Sex, Lies and Attempts for Truth

I'd say another bites the dust but...

2012-01-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

So I meet this guy online. Fine...I message him first. I liked his profile and I went against my standard practice of letting guys contact me first. It took a couple of days to write for him to write me back. The correspondence started before Christmas fyi. Our email exchange was slow. I'd write him back, he'd take a few days to get back to me. I wondered if it was aloof game. He told me he was never in a hurry to meet women, even though some women pushed for it. I waited for him to take the lead, didn't push for a phone call or a meeting. Typically I like to meet quickly because in my experience you can't know if you like someone until you see them in 3D. I~~'m betting there were a lot of mail order brides back in the day who ended up pretty disappointed when they finally met their pen pall.~~ Ooooops I may be jumping ahead.

We didn't end up talking until I was in the Rocky Mountains which was only a couple of weeks ago. Things seemed alright. We did talk a bit about men and women and the differences and he showed a little bitterness about women saying they wanted nice guys but really they didn't. I told him that what they don't want is men who will give in to their every desire and have none of their own. I told him women want men of character and values but are capable of making decisions. He didn't really get it and the first red flag went off. He still didn't ask to meet. At this point we were exchanging text messages on a daily basis. Then suddenly in a text message he said we should officially be a couple. Now hold the phone! We hadn't met yet and I had been upfront with him when talking and said I reserve compatibility until the meeting. He said he wanted to get to know me better before meeting. That should have been the 3nd red flag. I stopped communicating in text and worded an email that said I felt he was jumping the gun and didn't think it was wise to label us a couple at this point. He responded back in a good way and made me genuinely wonder if I'd misread his text.

Last Friday night he gave me a call and as he talked it came out that he was over six feet tall. I told him that if we worked out he would be the tallest guy I'd ever dated and that would be cool because I could wear four inch heels without worrying. At this point he said he hoped I wasn't wanting perfection. I said of course not I'm not perfect. Then he told me that he hadn't told me something about himself. I jokingly respnoded by saying, "you're in a wheelchair!" He said no that he'd been in an accident and had lost some teeth a couple of years earlier. He said he was self concious about it. I asked him if they were fixable and he indicated yes, that he needed to get a partial plate but hadn't done it yet. He also indicated he had had a girlfriend who quite liked them the way they were. I have to say it did put me off. Why wait so long to tell me? Why send me text pictures of an attractive face and have me comment on them and not tell me there's more to it?

So then on Saturday I had the cable guy coming over (sounds so cliche) to transfer all my services to another provider. It was going to take a few hours to do it. I told the online guy that the cable guy arrived. When I got another text from him I ignored it because I was getting a lesson from the cable guy on how to use my remote (there's a joke in there somewhere). When the guy left I sent online guy a text saying I was sorry I hadn't responded earlier but I was getting a lesson from the cable guy. His text to me was: "It took two hours?". I read it as doubt. I responded politely but then added it sounds like you were doubting the time it took. He responded back that he was allowed to tease me and I quote "neener neener". Ummmm I thought that's weird. I was also struggling because I felt shallow for feeling much less interest in this guy now that I knew about the teeth, but wavered because I thought hockey players have missing teeth and they're not so bad. Suddenly his financial situation became important, I wondered if his lack of ability to fix his teeth was money. He had indicated he lived with room mates, why was that I wondered? I wasn't feeling good about the situation. I wrote him an email on Sunday, making sure I didn't go in the teeth direction but basically told him I felt that things were off. He responded saying he was coming into my town and would take me out for coffee. I didn't hesitate to say yes. I thought it would be unfair to make a judgement without meeting him. That he asked me to dress up sexy should have been warning number 1000? I told him I lived in that town and that although I dressed attractively I wouldn't be looking like a tramp.

We meet. Oh my freaking for the love of god no. He had NO, as in ZERO upper teeth. I'm sorry no one can pull off that look. No one. NO ONE!

We enter the establishement where I am known to hang out with friends. Thankfully there's barely anyone in there. I catch the cute server girl I know trying to scope the guy out. He stares at me when we sit down, I try not to look horrified. He gives a quick smile and then returns his face to neutral, he must know a smile isn't a good look for him. He wants to know if I'm going to eat. First it's 3:30 in the afternoon, so I'm not hungry and second I have no desire to watch him eat. I order a diet coke with a slice of lime. He gets an ice tea. There is zero rapport. He doesn't have enough charm to pull it off. The conversation didn't flow and I ask him about his economic situation. He gives me a sad story about being down and out but he's on his way back. This guy's look reflects it. He tells me he likes how I look and how I'm dressed. I'm so far above his current situation it's painful. I say that men are luckier than women because they can pull off good looks with a simple wardrobe. I'm actually throwing him a bone. He picks it up by saying that men who dress nice think they're all that and fake. Ummmm... I bring up the text he sent and say that it threw me off. He gets defensive and tells me that it was a joke and he'd put lol after it. I say no it didn't but regardless it wasn't funny regardless. He looks the text up and admits it didn't have lol, but continues to tell me it was a joke. I look at him and tell him he's digging a bigger hole. He sheepishly agrees it wasn't funny and says "I'm sorry." Now most people would know it was over at this point but he doesn't get it. He asks me what I think of us a couple and I can tell he genuinely thinks I might have a positive answer. I say that I don't think we're a match and his face falls down. I say that although I'm not looking to be cared for I'm looking for someone in my socio-economic bracket so that combining forces could allow for a very nice life. It's awkward. I have never in my life had that discussion during a meeting. There is a huge power imbalance and it's entirely in the opposite direction of what I like. I tell him I am very analytical and that might drive him crazy (trying to give him an out) and he says he really likes how I am. I say that I really like intellectual discussion and he says he can do that. I ask him what he'd like to talk about and he looks at me and says "I'd like you to kiss me now". I responded without thinking, "NO!". I was shocked (and horrified) truth be told and my no came out like it had been fired from a gun.

The meeting wrapped up shortly thereafter and we headed for our respective vehicles. I asked him if I could contact him. My purpose was to have a few kind words to say for closure. The NO allowed no room at that point and I knew anything I said at this point would be patronizing. There was more contact but that's my next post. Needless to say I hope I don't need to get law enforcement.

Female masturbation and the bible

2012-01-20T15:37:00.000-08:00

Just in:
Female masturbation is biblical - men's is not. They spill seed and waste it, women don't do anything to affect our fertility.

Sermon on the Mound:

Women though shalt use your vibrators

SFR -Single for a Reason

2012-01-20T15:08:00.000-08:00

It's been said that when a woman or man is single there has to be a reason. Very true. When brought up it seems to imply its for a negative reason. Perhaps my rationalization hamster has kicked in but I'm single because I choose to be. I know that I could be in a relationship if I wanted, but I seem unable to compromise my own desires. I don't have a checklist, but I do have some idea of criteria. Bottom line is it all comes down to this:

Right Person

Right Time

Right Place

My low requirement for social interaction makes me a difficult case especially for right place. Outside of work and exercise I don't really go out much - again by choice. I seem fairly content and despite massive amounts of online dating (in fits and spurts), I realize it wasn't because I needed to get out, it was simply a tool to have more choices.

Hypothetical situation: Meet a guy online, like his picture, like his demeanor (several hours on the phone), he's into you.... Then when you feel like wow this actually feels/looks good you find out there's a fairly significant facial abnormality (think few teeth because of an accident and nothings been done to fix it because of nerve damage), how would your feel? In this situation I think I'd feel very shallow which totally feels wrong. Anyone else have thoughts about this hypothetical situation?

Happy Dance!

2012-01-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

I just got off the phone with a group of external peer reviewers and once again my work has received 100% compliance! I have sat in as a peer reviewer for many, many reviews and never reviewed one that was perfect. To have had two in a row is amazing. It's a very big project and requires tight organization and minute attention to pull it off. My client is ecstatic!

I am a perfectionist and had an upset stomach waiting for the conference call. I aim for 100% and would have been upset with anything less. This tendency which can be a flaw elsewhere really helps my business. Thankfully I have a very relational style to accompany it or it wouldn't matter how perfect my stuff was - people want to work with people they enjoy working with. Period.

Last week I spent four days in the Mountains coaching an agency while acting as a volunteer peer reviewer for another organization. The woman I worked with had no idea what I do for a living. She was so thankful for my support and hugged me at the end saying, "You're amazing, I'd love you for a mentor". I loved coaching her, seeing her aha moments and knowing her services were going to be exponentially better. Her comments reinforced my belief that I'm doing the work I'm supposed to be doing. A year ago I was a mess. I worked without any real life happening and my deteriorating relationship with my boss frankly left me a paranoid mess for a few months. What a difference a year makes. As scary as its been starting a company I wouldn't have it any other way in this awesome moment.

The ethics of audio - Krauser style

2012-01-14T10:24:00.000-08:00

I enjoy Krauser PUA, I can see why he gets the girls he does and frankly in spite of what you might see on the surface I think he's a decent guy. I enjoy watching his videos and listening to the audio, I think it gives a fuller picture of pickup than a written story does. To me it backs up his credentials.

The reason I bring this up is when next I meet frenchi I want to record the audio and post it here. But...I'm struggling with the ethics of it. When I watch Krauser I always feel somewhat bad for the unwitting participant who has no clue portions of her face, her body and her voice are being recorded for the unwashed masses. I don't intend to audio frenchi for humiliation purposes, in fact I think it will make it more clear to you dear readers why I fell for this guy. He will say wonderful, sweet things about me and be very sincere in the delivery. I want to record my own struggle while asking him for the money for the trailer and iPhone and have you hear how I struggle to communicate truths.

I wonder if perhaps I want to record it so that I can be focused on my goal and not waver (as I have done) because I know I have an 'audience'. I'm curious to know your thoughts people.

Romeo: Great Balcony - no stamina

2012-01-12T23:36:00.000-08:00

I realize frenchi was Romeo to me and that his Romeo met my Juliette in ways quite delicious. I also realize that who I fell in love with was me. He said many wonderful, seemingly sincere things about me and I fell...for myself. Who doesn't love hearing wonderful things said about them? How often do we miss hearing someone tell us how "exceptional" we are. We don't get it as much as we crave it, so when someone says what you long to hear and then throws in some "I want to care for you forever" talk, you're a goner.

My heartbreak isn't over frenchi, it's about feeling like I've lost myself. It's like feeling all the good things about myself have been taken away because I'm not getting them reflected back to me any longer. It makes it seem like I've become unacceptable and am no longer lovable. I now realize there never was any love for me. It's not that anything has changed about me, it was just about how he works things to get some needs of his met. When things got to a place where more emotional connection was required (i.e. him sharing more than the surface platitudes) he bailed in need of more conquests and more excitement.

There is nothing I can do that will make him realize he missed out on something good. He will continue this pattern with others and he will leave women wondering what is wrong with them. I have forgiven myself for not recognizing things earlier, I understand now that I just needed a good dose of self love and can do that without someone feeding me my own worth (and then taking it away).

I'm supposed to see him in a week or so and will now be able to look him in the face and ask for money for my trailer and say goodbye without crying. The things I missed had nothing to do with him, they had to do with my own missing pieces. I am not shattered, or broken, I don't need to reflect back his actions against myself. I like who I am and his words just resonated as truth - I can keep that - even without him.

The end of Frenchi

Week 6 of the Bikini Body Journey

2012-01-12T08:47:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the toilette in the background. I'm at a hotel and I have to use different mirrors so ya get what ya get.

It's hard eating well while on the road but I've done as good a job as I would have expected. Worst offenders: Mashed potatoes with sour cream, half of a scone, a half of piece of bread. Good choices: Chicken, salmon and rice.

I didn't do any excercise even though I brought my workout gear and I spent one evening drinking faaaaaar too much wine and suffered a hangover yesterday in the morning. Ick.

I will be back at an exercise class tomorrow morning - ready to kick my own ass.

Things might just be a little rocky - and I love it that way!

2012-01-11T20:55:00.000-08:00

A little piece of heaven and a little ramble where I might use magnificent a bit too much. Note to self: Expand vocabulary.

Audio journey/ramble as I head to the Rockies!

2012-01-10T07:30:00.000-08:00

I am in the beautiful Rockies!!

I recorded a little (little) less than 5 minutes as I headed out. I talk about frenchi, sex, carbs along with other rambly things - pure me.

Half Naked Thursday on a Sunday - how sinful

2012-01-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

I'm heading out of town this week. A beautiful mountain village in fact. I'm working, but I'm sure I'll enjoy the sites of the majestic mountains regardless. Sigh...

I will have to be careful about my eating, I've done well up until today but I'm afraid some Jelly Belly's had my name all over them. I should NEVER have that garbage in my home - I find it hard to say no to that kind of sweet sugar.

Frenchi contacted me and asked if I could see him this week, I was able to say I'm heading out of town which honestly I was happy to answer. Do I want to see him? Sadly yes. But I was still glad to have an excuse (legitimate) not to.

I've attached a picture here because I didn't do an HNT last week. You see I was wearing a riding-like outfit and decided to make it a tad more sexy by adding a crop (and maybe removing my top...how did that happen??).

Crash and Burn

2012-01-07T16:12:00.000-08:00

Got my Mac fixed! I can't tell you how close to vomiting I was when I dropped it. A very smart and kind Genius at Apple appreciated my honesty about dropping it and fixed the entire thing for free. New Hard drive, logic board and some cables - total cost over $600. So grateful!

I've been in a bit of Internet withdrawal while it was being fixed. It was good for me...likely.

Course I had to take three days off of doing any work - kind of nice actually. Back at it tomorrow.

Week 6 of new eating and starting to workout hard!

Catching up, I'm in my sixth week of eating clean and feeling very good. I took three hour long classes last week and worked out twice at home - feeling like the mind/body thing is coming together. I've attached a YouTube video describing where I am in that journey - better to just listen than watch - unless you like looking at my steering wheel and the back end of vehicles. Me rambling as per usual. Curious - do I sound like I write? Cuz I think I write like I think/talk.

New Year's Ex

2012-01-04T11:15:00.000-08:00

I have made a decision not to talk about any potential suitors in this blog - my fear is I look for a storyline in my meetings and potentially sabotage something good. (I actually don't really believe that, but because there's a slim chance, I'm going to take the precaution).

That does not stop me from talking about ex's! Woo hoo! Heh.

I went out on New Year's Eve with an ex, who was involved in my life in 2010. I've written about him here but am too lazy to get the link. He was the first owner of the trailer that is now in the hands of frenchi. I need to write a book called, "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Trailer". I saw this ex last February while I was seeing frenchi and we caught up. It was one of those meetings where you realized you'd escaped a crazy life. I dumped him, but pretty much because he'd refused me physical affection (yes sex) after four weeks apart. I knew something was up. Turns out when we met in February last year to catch up he told me he'd restarted a relationship with his ex gf (not wife, she was divorcing him). This was a girl he called Smelly Nelly because she had a body odor in a particular location. Gross. Turns out during our February meeting he was banging the landlady, his teenage crew-helper, his ex-gf and had just met another chick. Fine upstanding gentleman. I was seeing frenchi and falling in love, so trust me my feelings weren't hurt.

So recently he was coming in to town, over the holiday, to visit his children and wanted to catch up with me. He asked me out for New Year's Eve. I said yes. But when the day arrived I had no desire to go. I text him:

Me: Hey I understand if plans change for dinner. You don't have much time with your kiddies.

Him: No I wanna see you.

Him: Unless you don't wanna see me.

Me: (sigh and lying). No, it would be great to catch up.

Details about time and place - 6 or 7 pm - ensue.

5:15 pm Me: Will you hate me if I cancel tonight?

He calls me immediately and says he has nothing to do, everyone is busy - yada yada yada. I feel sorry for him. I tell him I'm not putting any effort into getting ready because I'm really not feeling like going out. He's like I'll come to your place and we can watch a movie. I'm like no...we'll meet...(and I tell him the place). He says I'll pick you up. Fine.

He picks me up and I'm in the vehicle before he can get out and open the door for me. He has a bunch of flowers for me. I thank him. He tells me he has to get gas and we head to a station.

While he's in the vehicle and its filling I see that he's texting on his iPhone and his most recent ex's name is at the top of it.

Me: Who are you texting.

Him: (insert his son's name).

Me: Wow he sure has a girly name as a handle. (and I laugh).

He looks mortified.

Him: (laughing nervously) Well you kinda backed me into a corner.

Me: Ya I should have just asked how your ex is doing instead of looking like I was trying to trap you.

I assured him I could care less who he texts.

We go out for wine and we catch up on past history. He takes great pains to assure me his thing with the ex is over and that she's an emotional basket case. Truthfully he never says nice things about his ex's and I can only imagine what he says about me. But during our dinner tells me he dreams of my fanny (south african term that doesn't mean ass). I know he's hoping he's going to see it again that night. I have zero attraction to him, I can see that he's attractive, but I know too much and there's no going back. We talk about a variety of subjects like work, dating etc. I tell him he should look to date younger because that would make sense for him. I don't think he likes that I'm talking about who he should date, because he's trying to act like he wants to date me. "I was really screwed up at the time..." etc. I said I remember you said it was because I'm sexually intimidating. He said well no that's not true he said that because he was "messed up". He's digging himself deeper. I laugh when I remind him he'd turned down physical action with me. He says, "I think you're an angry bird.". I said, "right now?" and he's like, "ya". I said I have no ill will or hard feelings about you, that was in the past, I've fallen in love since then. I said these are just the facts (and they were, trust me, delivered with humour). I know he had to 'blame' me for the turn of events, it was very clear he wasn't getting any. So he asked if he could share his texts that he'd had with his most recent ex. I said "sure."

Him: So there's no romantic feelings that you have for me.

Her: No, I'm afraid I don't. My kids really like you and I wish it could be different, but I'm afraid there's nothing there.

Him: Thanks, I just needed to know that.

I nearly laughed out loud. So as he's trying unsuccessfully to seduce me he's texting her about romantic feelings. He knew there was no hope, but why shoot yourself in the foot at the same time? It was amusing that he told me.

Sadly when he dropped me off I forgot about the flowers in the vehicle which must have been an even bigger bruise to his ego.

Side Note: He asked about the blog. This was after it was pretty clear nothing was going anywhere and he said do you still record that "My Big Yap" thing. I knew then that he'd read it. I have never told any guy the name of my blog, nor about the YouTube channel "The Mouth Piece". I said "ahhhhh you found it". I said I did have 1 reader from your community, I guess it was you. He said, "noooo it wasn't me". I laughed. I think it was pretty passive aggressive to call it My Big Yap, but truth be told, ya I do yap about boyfriends. Not anymore....I will reserve that for my famous ex's.

Haven't done a Mouth Piece in a while so here's a very teeny, tiny one:

The Age Thing

2012-01-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I've been directly asked my age since I started this blog, regardless I've been quite deliberate in not mentioning it for a couple of reasons.

1. It pigeonholes people. We live in a society of ageism and people can easily discount present experience based on a number.

2. People like filling in the blanks themselves, it's fun to use your imagination.

Don't get too excited I'm not going to reveal my age in this post either, but I thought I'd address it because some people are intent on throwing insults at me regarding their guesses. I want to share with you, dear readers, that I'm not offended by any guess. I have never said I'm a young thing. My pictures although disguised for anonymity are recent and people could guess and still be wrong. In my real life (outside the internetz) I'm never guessed for my real age so I don't know how anyone could guess it here. I've recently been told I look 29 which heck compared to some hit the wall really early types could be accurate. I'm a huge advocate for staying out of the sun unless using sunscreen and no smoking, add in maintaining a reasonable body weight and you have a recipe for success on aging. I'm guess you can say I'm proud of the way I look but I know that it takes effort. And yes at a certain point you reach the stage where styling (hair, make-up, clothes) is required to stay attractive. No longer are you able to let youth work its magic but I can honestly say that never in my life have I felt more beautiful.

When I was in my late teens and twenties I had no idea how hot I was. You have to remember that you're surrounded by youth and constant comparison occurs. I was a beauty queen (crowned) and still didn't feel I was all that. Was I? Yep. But I had no appreciation for it. I was swept off my feet at 20 by my ltr (long term relationship) and didn't date much before hand, I really didn't know how marketable I was. I'm glad I didn't. I was protected from the "cock carousel". By the time I was single those days were gone. I was working and had matured and skipped the clubbing days altogether. Yay!

I always had a sense of style and have maintained it. I know how to do hair and make-up from my theatre days and use those skills on myself. I haven't gotten obese. I am very young at heart and my friends are most often much younger than I am. This is not to recapture youth, it's just where I fit. I have an energized spirit and am current with today's culture, I refuse to become locked into a way of thinking or behaving. These things keep me from rapid aging or what we perceive as aging.

I want young women to know that their relevance isn't about a decade (the 20's), I want them to know that they can age gracefully and their lives can still be meaningful. I also want them to know that men love youth and beauty and that youth is transient and will leave them. Yes it does change market value in terms of marriage and it certainly affects fertility, so there's value in not frittering it away. Learning to make wise choices which have long term value is very beneficial. Big picture thinking stuff.

My approach is this: Take care of yourself (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional) and your life throughout the ages will be better off.

(So insult away trolls, but know that nothing you can say will take away my thankfulness for being who I am and what I look like today - just sayin')

Off Roading

2011-12-29T11:17:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about my motives for writing this blog. In the beginning I had an idea, but it's strayed from it and now it's not important enough to go back to. When I first discovered the concept of Game as a thing to study I was fascinated. I was also horrified to see how men viewed women. Underneath all the political correctness there's a seething resentment combined with bitterness and in some case hatred. I wanted to get educated and adjust if necessary my own behavior. I learned about the hamster and shit tests and divorce unfairness. I learned that men value youth, beauty and femininity. Actually those latter three were no surprise truthfully, even when I fantasize I make myself young and beautiful - why wouldn't a man? I wanted to seek truth and the fact is you can't find it. Everyone has their own version of it based on their own experience. There are moral absolutes for me, but they're not for everyone. I do believe there are some aspects of evolutionary biology at play which can explain mating behaviours but there are many nuances that are societal, cultural and experiential which muddy the waters.

I have some choices to make in the days ahead, maybe it'll take months, but I have to decide what my purpose is in writing here. It's a diary but is it accomplishing anything? Am I better off because I write it or worse off? Do I consider each man I meet a new storyline? I'd like to to think not, but there's potential. Has my rationalization hamster out ran any logic I thought I had? Is there any purpose in keeping half naked pictures or for that matter pictures at all? I know how the brain works and pictures do attract and hook people - but...have they also taken something away?

I feel like I'm on the cusp of a new voyage, one I've delayed taking for one reason or another. Perhaps because I have more time to myself ala the new business I am able to spend more time in self reflection and think that maybe I have some growing up to do. At the very least I know I'm socially isolated and have done so even in the sphere of the internet - I'm an introvert despite what my outward behaviour shows people and I'm tired of it. People seem to have high expectations of me after they meet me, I think I'm placed on pedestals and when I show I'm flawed like everyone else they're quick to leave me. I actually erased that italicized line when it sounded too high and mighty but then realize this is some of the behaviour I need to fix and will leave it in. Because that may be the lie I've told myself. So if anything this blog needs to be about the lies I have told myself and the truth that needs to set me free.

It seems rather timely that I'm thinking of this stuff as 2012 approaches, but for me that's incidental I've had a tough couple of years and I need to change something for 2012 to be better. If I want to change the dance, the dancer needs new steps. So bear with me dear readers the journey may get bumpy as I try to take some off-road trails.

Some developing themes:

Why I post pictures...or at least why I started.
Why I am single
What sex means to me
What sexual deviancy means to me
Entrepreneurial experience

Week 3 of Bikini Body Journey pics

2011-12-28T19:21:00.000-08:00

It's pretty much undetectable the change in my body from last week to this. Today I got on the scale and had a friend record my weight while I stood there. I can get very OCD with numbers and if I feel I'm putting a ton of effort in, I have been known to want huge results. I end up sabotaging myself when things don't go the way I want. So I've asked my friend to record my weight once a week and only tell me when I've lost 10 pounds. I don't want to know the number when I've lost ten mind you, I just want to know there's some movement and I'd like to know how long it takes.

I'm eating very clean and have cut out my once per day popcorn habit, that habit was a new one but it included real butter (organic but still). I don't post these pictures to get ooohs and awws, I'm posting them so I can see improvement and so that I can be accountable. Some of you may (or may not) be inspired by what I'm doing and I want you to know I'm still doing it. I'm not going to give up. Bikini body by July is my goal. The pictures aren't exacts (no duh) so it's hard to get a sense (yet) of any progress, but I posted the second one because it gives a clearer shot of my torso which is a little thicker than it should be. The week 3 picture doesn't do the posterior justice because that I do like - it juts enough to give me a woman's not a boys shape. Gosh I gotta admit it's hard posting less than flattering shots. But... I know before too long I'll be proud to post them once again! That's the great thing about cause and effect of food.

Underneath the non-mistletoe

2011-12-26T21:57:00.000-08:00

My ex ltr stopped by my home on Christmas morning to say the Merry thing. My mom who always loved the dude (because he shamelessly flirted with her) was thrilled to see him. I was uncomfortable. A) His girlfriend already has a problem with me. B) He had professed his love for me the night before on the telephone after having a few too many nogs.

I find it strange to see myself next to a man in a picture, it's been a long time. Frenchi and I were never around other people and it made no sense to take pictures of us together. I can say that I don't even own a shot of the the two of us and we dated for over a year.

My mom invited him to stay for breakfast (sigh) and he accepted. He did every single dish which was awesome and it felt nice to have a man in the house I have to admit. He is not for me and I don't say that lightly. I loved him and I loved him deeply. He loved other things more and I don't mean women, although he cheated once, but I forgave him, it was an emotional thing and I knew he was having a difficult time. Long story which I won't go into. We were only 20 when we met. We made love 7 times on his 21st birthday, a number we tried to match in the years that followed but never did. He was my first love and my first heartbreak.

When he called me to tell me he loved me he said it wasn't just because he wants to "fuck", but that because I've suddenly become very interesting to him and he wants to know all about me. I think it's because I'm not interested in him and he wants what he can't have. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and I said no. I think he sees a possibility and there is none. He would dump his gf of 2 years if I gave him an opening, which is sad. There's a reason she has a big problem with me, and its not because of me, we've spoken maybe three times, I think she senses her bf's attraction remains with me.

I feel kind of weird writing about him, it's been a very long time since I've had him in my home, it seemed weird and yet normal, as strange as that sounds.

Change means more spare change

2011-12-26T12:27:00.000-08:00

It's Boxing Day and I haven't left my home, and have no plans to. This is a huge departure from my normal practice of hitting the shopping circuit and dropping a few hundred. Owning my own business has taught me some lessons on frugality. I don't have a regular pay check coming in anymore. I have to budget what I do have in case I hit a very lean time. I'm finding it more freeing than constraining. When I look at three overflowing closets I realize I have spent far more than was reasonable, especially when there are clothes I've barely worn, and some I'd forgotten I owned. To be fair I paid for them myself, I don't have debt owing, but they fast become old things and have no appreciable value. I should have been paying debt down on my mortgage. I can't regret what I've done because it takes energy, I can only look forward and change old habits. Today is a perfect example. As I write, I'm in a tub filled with bubbles watching my new addiction, Sons of Anarchy, a far cry from throngs of eager and sometimes angry people fighting for the best deals in Town. I feel a good change coming on....

Dominance - aoefe style

2011-12-23T22:05:00.000-08:00

An astute reader pointed out that I hadn't really spelled out what dominance means to me. This post had some people upset with me and this one just added fuel to the fire.

I want to point out that I have as many issues with men as I do with women. We're both at fault for the gender wars that are currently taking place in North America. I won't get into detail in this post, but perhaps will flesh that out at a later date. Suffice to say that men are frustrated with women and women with men. Moving on.

I like dominance in a man and feel that I need it in order to be content in a relationship. I recognize some of my tendencies could be viewed as weaknesses, but I accept them as who I am and in order to be me, I need someone to yin with my yang. I am a submissive - read - pleasing woman. I like to give and I get something by giving. It's my pleasure to pleasure. In order to give I need someone capable of receiving. I find that dominant men have expectations around receiving and are easier to give to.

Dominance to me:

Decisive. They know what they want for most part, and don't take decades to decide if faced with a choice. This ranges from dinner plans to life goals. They can be easy going and not really care about some things, but they don't waffle when it comes to having to make a decision, tough or otherwise.

Leader. The see the direction they need to go and lead others in getting to the destination. This doesn't mean they're bullies and drag you there, it means they can work with others in getting the job done. A good leader will learn the strengths of his partner and will work with them to build them, they don't feel the need to tear the person down because they are confident enough in their own strengths.

Strength. This doesn't necessarily mean physical (although that's nice), to me it mean strength of character. Value system firmly planted, emotional life grounded.

Uninhibited. This means not afraid of what others think. If marching to a different drummer is what it takes, they will do it even if it means they're doing it alone. I.e. If everyone around them happens to be for one political party they won't be afraid to have a differing opinion. They won't feel it necessary to get angry, they have a strong belief in what they believe and don't feel the need to hide it. (see opinionated)

Opinionated. This doesn't mean they rub their opinions in others faces, it means they have formed opinions from life's experiences. They will have a moral compass based on these experiences. It's part and parcel of uninhibited. That said they won't be deliberatly offensive and can keep their opinions to themselves without compromising their core beliefs.

Intelligent. This doesn't necessarily correspond to dominance, but for me it's important so I'm throwing it in there. Intelligent people are willing to change their opinions if something reveals itself to be true - they don't apologize for changing their minds.

Socially adept. Dominant people figure out the lay of the land and can 'manipulate' people for the greater good.

Sexually expressive. To me a dominant partner includes how he expresses himself sexually. I don't want someone who is repressed and is afraid to ask for what he wants in or out of the bedroom. He doesn't have to take the lead all the time, in fact if he likes his woman to be aggressive he'll let her know it's a turn on. Whether I'm being submissive in or out of the bedroom simply means doing something I know my partner is pleased by.

I hope that makes it a bit clearer. I think many men have fallen into the women's natural role of people pleasing. They bend over backwards for their woman and find out as time goes on that she has little respect for him. They don't make their opinions known and have a tough time making a decision because they worry about what the 'little woman' will say when they tell her. I'm not advocating for men to start behaving like boors and assholes, I'm saying women like a man who can make a decision and make a reasoned one. Women like a man who knows what he wants and a man who'll make sure he gets it. Men like this come in all shapes and sizes and come from all socio-economic backgrounds.

For a woman's part we need to start accepting what our gender is best at. We need to stop denying our inherent femininity or at the very least stop being embarrassed by it. We need to accept that men have brains that think differently than our own and admire them for it, not put them down. We need to allow men to be men.

Happy Holiday HNT

2011-12-22T12:50:00.000-08:00

This is a shirt NOT a dress...just in case you're thinkin wtf...

I am posting because I need a visual reminder of my journey - and a little dose of embarrassment. I was going to repeat the same pose from last Thursday but realize that might be a little over the top (heh). These pictures reveal more clearly the trouble spot I'm working on. My thighs, hips and back fat. I am feeling good in my skin and being very good about what I'm ingesting. There might be some holiday deserts and maybe my favourite mashed potatoes and gravy but I'll make sure I counter balance it with lower calories in the days that follow. Do you know that even 2 - 3 pounds of weight gain over the holidays multiplied by 10 years is 20 - 30 pounds! That's how we get fat people!!

All work and no play (make a good business)

2011-12-20T15:04:00.000-08:00

When I first dreamed up this little company a year ago I knew it was a good concept, I just didn't know if others would realize it. I ended my position as CEO with my previous company in April and spent the summer months building a foundation for my new venture. I officially launched on September 4th to the general public having already done some preliminary work with good/great contacts in my sector. I haven't had a lull since. I realize its early days but the fact that I'm able to pay my mortgage and even spend a little bit on Christmas gifts for family is making me very happy. I have worked lined up for the foreseeable future. I am a facilitator at a conference at the end of January and if I get even two people from that event to use my services I'll be set for 2012. It's a very close knit community!

In other good news I had my work reviewed/audited by an outside body of like minded professionals yesterday. I was on pins and needles throughout the morning waiting to connect with them at 1:30 pm for their analysis. They found 100% compliance in every area of a rather extensive study I'd done. I can't tell you how over the moon excited I was - not to mention the guy who had hired me's excitement! I knew I was good, in fact I knew I was very good, but there was some measure of self-doubt yesterday, wondering if I'm totally off base with what I perceive is my expertise. The results conclusively prove I'm on target. I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I had a job offer last week. It was a senior management position in a very good organization. I turned it down and wondered if what I was doing was smart. Yesterday's news proves to me I need to give my own company a shot. Next year I'll evaluate the finances and see whether it makes sense to do this from a work/life balance and financial point of view.

I'm taking a deep breath of relief and looking forward to a stress free Christmas.

Lastest Spam Comment. Gotta love it!

2011-12-19T10:13:00.001-08:00

When I became Secretary of State, we did not have Muslims employed in the State Department,- Albright said that evening. -I went back to my notes, when I was writing my book-and I had various notes which read, -Learn more about Islam'.-

Creating incentives to increase available faculty does not seem to have a downside, provided it is not politicized.

Drunk Text Slip Up

2011-12-17T18:55:00.000-08:00

Side Note: Earnest has taken a picture of me off my Facebook and put it on a t-shirt for me. I think he thinks I should be flattered. I just think its weird. I haven't talked to him in a few days, I have no interest in talking to him. I'm hoping he sees my lack of interest as lack of interest.

In other news I text frenchi by accident last night. It really was by accident, but would have totally looked like it was planned.

Me: I drink once in a blue moon. Half way there with half a glass.

CRAP I realize it's not to a male friend of mine but to frenchi.

Me: Sorry that was meant for (insert best female friends name). heh

NO ANSWER.

Today I sent this:

Me: Hey that message last night wasn't for you. I hate that it looked like I was trying to fake contact you. :(

Frenchi: No worries aoefe. :) I wanna to call u tonight. If its ok.

Me: Sure

6:40 pm

Frenchi: Hi. :) we have a get together at work, will b home late so will call u tomorrow xx

Me: K. Thanks for giving me a heads up.

Frenchi: yw

Of course it's very likely his get together doesn't involve work at all. I'm no dummy.

I did thank him because I believe in positive reinforcement for good behaviour. He was very good for leaving me hanging...many times.

I did get a bit tipsy last night which is why I text him by accident. I had been reading his texts (I confess) which then placed them at the top of my text roll, but my text was legitimately meant for another friend. Who knows what frenchi thinks, but his ego is likely big enough that he thought I'd sent it to him. Double crap.

My type

2011-12-15T15:59:00.000-08:00

No word of a lie here are my two ex-boyfriends in actor form. The left is actor Ron Perlman but looks a lot like Alpha Asshole and the guy on the right is Kim Coates, but is a close ringer for frenchi. Both of these guys are in my new addiction Sons of Anarchy, no wonder I like it so much.

My guys were simply younger versions of these guys. Weird.

Half Naked - Riding Pant edition

2011-12-15T09:48:00.000-08:00

Okay nothing, I mean NOTHING shows the hips and thighs like a pair of riding pants. Sigh...

I am counting 165 days towards a better body. That's how long I calculate it'll take to get to the teeny, tiny, sexy size I'm meant to be. I am 14 days in. One day at a time people!

I plan on taking this exact shot each Thursday for 23 weeks and we will see the effects of hoped for shrinkage. The boobs will go - how small is the question. I'm a 36 D and would like to get no smaller than a 34 C, but that may be too much to ask. It's my arms and thighs that bug me the most. I like my butt. Starting in January I will begin weight training and aim to tighten the booty, in hopes that it won't shrink.

Week 1 riding pant shot

I've dated Engineers

2011-12-14T18:22:00.001-08:00

hahahah. Okay sooooo true.

Earnestly needing the Red Pill

2011-12-14T13:04:00.000-08:00

I have continued to see and talk to the guy who wanted me to be his girlfriend (by text message) after he found out his ex-wife was seeing someone else, let's call him Earnest. We went out for lunch last weekend and I made sure I paid for it. I don't want to be sending the wrong message. I think he needs a friend more than he needs a girl friend right now. Last night he called and I had to tell him as politely as possible that he cuts me off mid-sentence while I'm talking. He out talks me three words to my one. That's not the norm for me if you know how talkative I am. He needs a sounding board and I recommended he see a psychologist because I prefer not playing that role. He agreed and then without missing a beat started telling me about his self-help journey. I think he's still in love with his ex and is having a very difficult time letting go. He's trying to find answers when the actual answers are anything but what he's prepared to hear. He gave her the moon, the sun and the stars and she wanted a guy with a ball cap (that's how he put it). Yes...she did. I bet you dollars to donuts this new guy is a blue collar dude who is fun, feisty and doesn't bend over backwards for her. I hint to Earnest that women want different things than they claim, that women have hamsters running loose in their heads, that women like a man who's in charge and he ignores what I'm saying. I say men pedestalize women and he says, "yes! I love doing that!", and doesn't question me further. Sigh...

During our lunch Earnest tells me he and his ex-wife waited three months to have sex and then got engaged the following month. Three months! He tells me longingly that they waited until New Years to do the deed. I know while he's telling me that he's a hopeless romantic and I could tell him I wouldn't have sex until we're married and he'd go for it. Yikes.

I'm already tired of playing my part and when he ended the call after several hints from me of being tired (which he ignored to get his own needs met), he hadn't even asked me out. That's fine by me. It was kind of funny how the phone call ended, I told him about the Johari Window principle (blind spots) and he said he had to go research it because he'd never heard of it. Ironic? Yep.

This guy needs to swallow the Red Pill and fast!

Confession is good for the soul - not the mirror

2011-12-13T14:49:00.000-08:00

Confession time. I've put on a few pounds which is why I haven't been doing my hnt's. I am now about 2 weeks into a much better way of eating and reduced calories and feel up to taking a picture. And what before my wandering eyes should appear, but chubby arms and legs in the mirror.

This picture does not do me justice. My arms are not as big as this makes me look, but I'm posting it for inspiration. I have done the horrible, let myself go, because of stress thingie. I warn others against it and fell prey to it. I admit it's my biggest challenge - eating under stress. I even started eating bread after nearly a year of bread free living. Introducing candy didn't help either. How fast it can happen. My only good fortune is I put weight on very proportionately, so most people never guess when I go up and down because my hourglass just gets bigger or smaller.

I feel better for having taken control of my eating. I imagine as I lose weight I'll get back to half naked shots once again. Sexy in my skin is always the goal.

Ignore that I look like I've been punched in the eye.

Sometimes you don't get an answer even when you do...

2011-12-11T21:24:00.000-08:00

I heard back from the once upon a time friend who I messaged in Facebook this week (described in this post). I'm glad she replied- she didn't have to. It still left me wondering.

Her: Nothing has been said to create conflict. I simply have been choosing to let go. Saw many things for myself to guide me in my decision. The distance has been good for me to see things more clearly for what they were. Yes there were many fun memories... Take care...

Me: I know what you are saying. Thank you for writing back. It feels like the right way to move ahead. Appreciated.

Sons of Anarchy

2011-12-10T10:04:00.000-08:00

My new favorite show - Sons of Anarchy.

Katy Segal and her writer/creator of the series husband Kurt Sutter to the left.

Not bad for 57 I'd say. (her that is)

Looks like she goes for the bad guys too.

His blog is good too.

Hooked up to his twitter and found an interesting link to a blog post about him that he'd linked to. I wrote the following comment to the blog post, but I've been put in moderation and will probably not get out of it based on what I wrote. Here's my comment:

I’m a fan of his show. I found this link through his Twitter. Unfortunately your anger has taken away what might have been good points – you come off as shrew like and homophobic in this rant. I’m not American so unfair for me to comment on your politics, but your love of all things Sarah is evident. From an outsiders point of view (Canadian) she comes off as an idiot. And if you don’t think politicians gain something for their politics in terms of finances and power you’re deluded. Did Ms. Palin go on to make a reality show? Did her daughter not dance on a highly rated show? Has she not profited from books? Does she donate all her money back to her party and her State? I’d hazard a guess and say no.

Man up men!

2011-12-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

In the post below I mentioned that all I want is a man who is the following:

Decisive
Emotionally Connected
Sexual
and has a six figure income

David asked me in a comment which of those things was difficult to find and Anonymous asked if I could do without emotional connectedness.

Great questions people! They got me thinking about my experiences and who I'm attracted to and could have seen futures with because I was either in love or could be quite easily. Truth is there are only three men that would fit that category out of possibly dozens of men. For new readers I want to say that I'm not promiscuous and didn't try those dozens out in a sexual way. I have to feel attraction and be monogamous in order to get naked.

Out of the three men one was a long relationship spanning several years, we met when I was 20.
The other two I've documented on these pages, one was recent, the infamous Frenchi.

What did they have in common:

Sexual - to a crazy fault (not fault really)
Six figure incomes - but in Alberta that's not very hard for the oil field and trades
Decisive - man's man.
Emotionally connected? - No

In examining my reason for putting emotional connection I realized I meant he needs to be self-aware not connected to me necessarily. So I'd change my list slightly. If I want emotional connectedness I'll lean on my friends, girl friends. We are different than men and trying to make a man a woman is counter productive. As Peregrine John said I have a filter and it's a fine one which makes it difficult to find what I'm looking for.

I think our society has robbed men of their manly traits specifically the sexual and decisive ones. It was a SHOCK to me to learn how much men think about sex and how much sex they want - mostly due to that wonderful hormone testosterone. But...you'd never know it from most men. They go out of their way not to make you feel like an object and will look at you when your back is turned so as not to appear creepy. Personally as my pictures can attest to I like a bit of objectification and I'm pretty sure most women do too. Women claim they don't because they've let themselves go and know that they are no longer objects of desire. They shame men and women who are open enough to admit what really turns them on. Men have allowed their power to be taken away, mostly because they thought it would give them access to more pussy. They thought that women would give them what they really wanted if they caved to their desires, but once they did women lost interest in them, leaving a very confused male population. Chateau Roissy teaches men the truth about women, sometimes in very ugly ways. I don't buy into some of the black and white messages, but at the heart of it there's truth. Men sometimes need the shock in order to stop drinking women's sweet cool-aid and get in touch with their own essential manliness. Women need to understand what women really want and gain control of our constantly spinning hamsters. I'm thankful because even though I realize what I'm seeking is rare, I realize when I find it, I'll be much more content. I won't be forcing my man into a role he shouldn't be in.

Frenchi is probably the closest thing to perfect for me in the areas above. He does what he needs to do. He likely ran because he knew the pressure was building with my expectations that he'd move to be with me. This move may not be the best thing for his family/kids because of financial uncertainty and rather than face this with me, I think he felt I'd be like most women and freak. I don't freak. I only ask for one thing. Respect. His disappearing act was anything but respectful. And if he really wants to be with a woman who's good for him, he'll realize this is a small thing to give me. I think he's capable of getting the message. I don't want him to become my best friend. I want him to look out for the both of us, much likes he looks out for his family. He's owned his behavior and has made no promises, which gains respect from me. He's declared his need for closure has nothing to do with me. Maybe it's with another woman. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't/couldn't tell me if that was the case. The thing is, I don't feel monogamy for men is as required as it is for women. That makes me seem sad to some of you I'm guessing, but to me its anything but. I could have a monogamous man any time I want. I could have a man willing to perform all sorts of things for me, just to please me and hope that I'll give him a bone. As arrogant as that may seem, it's just the truth. I'm not desperate for a man. I'm desperate for The Man. The Man who sees me as amazing, loving, kind, sexy and sold out for him.

Truth is I'm content or I'd be with someone. I have to stop beating myself up about being weird. I am. I'm weird in a unique way because I'm an enlightened woman. And not in the woman hear me roar way. I'm enlightened enough to know that I won't burden some poor soul with my need for him to change and be the man he ought to be. That's a job I don't want and one he won't understand.

This is a message to men to be the man they were meant to be. Learn to seek your own desires - ask for what you want - search yourself and discover what it is to be a man. There are quality women out there - but they're as hard to find as it is to find a real man. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Just sayin'.

Beta Girl Behaviour

2011-12-07T23:19:00.000-08:00

I wonder if beta behaviour in a girl is as much as a turn off for men as it is for women when men exhibit it. I know I've been the penultimate in beta behavior with frenchi. (no clue if I used penultimate right here, but its a very cool word!). Men say they want sweet, loving, feminine women but it seems to be that the men who I want don't seem to value that all that much. Alpha Asshole who I've written of early days in this blog (not to be confused with frenchi), is with a hotter, younger woman who looks as hard as rocks - both in her face and her body. He tried to get back with me once but she found out and had a very loud hissy. How do I know because he pocket dialed me (I thought) and it was actually her calling me and I said, "hey there". Leading her to believe I was familiar with him, which of course I was, it just happened to be months earlier. He took the phone and she was screaming in the back ground. He practically begged me to tell her I hadn't seen him since last Christmas and since we hadn't met till the following March I declined his invite and hung up. My point is he'd picked someone willing to enter into battle and I'm not that chick. As much as mud wrestling is sexy, I'd rather not get dirty, might ruin my pedicure.

La Chateau of All things Manly says that men desire women who are pleasing. I actually first wrote that as men desire pleasing women and that reads all wrong for the manosphere. Moving on. So yea, I bought and performed the meme brialliantly. In fact I didn't even have to change because heck I am feminine and pleasing. And. Here. I. Am. Single. Yes, I know there has to be something wrong with me. I'm screwed in the head, fat, ugly, stupid...and all the rest of those hateful attributes right? Nope. I'm not even all that picky contrary to popular blog belief. I simply want a decisive man, who is sexual, emotionally connected, and has a six figure income (thought I'd slip this one in unnoticed - did it work?).
My beta girl behaviour is messing this up.

What if in the New Year (which is all of three weeks away) I do an experiment and behave like a controlling bitch on my next few dates. Cast off all my real traits and act entitled, mightier than Queen Sheba and make ridiculous demands. What would happen? Of course I can't do this for men I can get right now. Those men already want to kiss my feet and beg me to get the whip. Truly some men (many) think I'm all dominating because of....confidence I think. I think because I'm sensual they assume I'll whip their ass in shape in the bedroom. Maybe I'll gain 30 pounds, start letting myself go, get all dowdy and still act like I'm all that and see what happens. Okay that's going to far. But heck maybe it's worth my time to experiment with behaviour.

Hmmmm

Blurting it all out

2011-12-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

No purpose for this picture being here. Just sayin'.

I am pretty tired of writing about my dating failures. I think I've exhausted myself truthfully. My latest dabble has ended up friend zoned in a pretty spectacular way. I'll simply say that I was asked to be his girlfriend in a text message which took me straight back to Junior High. He also asked me in the same text where he told me his ex-wife had a boyfriend. It was so obvious that he wanted to feel better by not being alone. He's not over her and his desire to marry me (yes) is all in an effort to feel like he's not in pain. I told him in an email that I could take advantage of him if I was so inclined, but I wasn't. I said I too was healing from a broken heart and the likelihood of two more being added to the heap was pretty significant. He's sent me another email which I haven't replied to. I know that I have friend zoned him and he needs more than that. I question my desire to be in a healthy, loving relationship. I think I want a guy who'll throw his weight around - literally and figuratively. I am choosing not to date until the New Year. I may even seek psychological help. As morbid as this sounds, I'm just being practical. And to be completely transparent I asked frenchi to call me and he did. My purpose was to ask him to give me the money for the trailer and forget the reno deal. I wanted to stop thinking about whether he'd contact me or not. It was a lengthier conversation and in the end I didn't ask for the money. He was lovely. I KNOW what you're thinking. I told him that I struggle to communicate my real feelings and that I'd made a lot of effort to make him happy but hadn't shared my own needs with him. I told him that as much as he might be a mess, I'm one too. I told him that the men I choose (like him) are distant and that the ones who really want me I don't want. I told him I'm kind of fucked. He said that he'd never met anyone kinder, funnier, sexier than I am and that I remained the best person for him. He said he didn't contact me because he doesn't want to hurt me again. He said he does think about me and that he wished he knew what his own future was. I told him I wasn't calling to make him get together with me, he understood that. I told him I'd been hurt and it was a painful recovery. He listened well. Of course it reminded me of why I'd fallen in love with him. I was tired of being the stoic one, the one who acted like it hadn't hurt and that I was strong. If I'm going to meet someone who'll love me, I've got to realize I can be honest with all my feelings and not just my supportive, loving ones. I am still not over him, which of course, you, dear readers, have said. I'm tired of pretending I am. Do I have hope we'll re-unite? Not really. Is there a glimmer? Yes. Am I a fool? It's hard to say. Regardless I need to stop getting involved with other men or I'm doing what this last guy is doing to remove his ex-wife from his thoughts. Not good.

Well I'm prepared to be hit with the onslaught of disgust or I wouldn't have posted this. I'm tired of hiding my true experiences from my own blog because of fear of rejection. That's just silly.

Earning Reader Brownie Points:

In keeping with the bathroom theme. This pic does have a meaning.

I snaked my own toilet yesterday. I am too broke to call a plumber and bought the $9.99 auger/snake/thing-a-ma-jingy and fixed my toilet. Plunging and a terribly caustic substance didn't do the trick. (I used paper towel instead of TP because I ran out damn it!). I was so proud of myself for fixing it and had no one to brag to. So here I am. I may not be able to fix my head, but I fixed a toilet!!

Great - Fake plastic Mistletoe

2011-12-04T20:50:00.000-08:00

Great
Fake plastic Mistletoe
Wrap me in a great big bow
And tear me apart

It's Christmas time
So open up the flood gates
Tell me that you'll be late
And rip me apart

Cause you say that, you say that things will be alright
But I've heard that, I've heard that so many times and I know that

It's not Christmas if the snow don't fall
And I'm still standing here three feet small
Lose our troubles because after all
It's Christmas time

It's Christmas time...

Cold
Icing on the walkways
Slip in to the games we play
We're falling apart

A great big house
That's made out of ginger bread
Crumbles to the ground
We're breaking apart

But you said that, you said that things would be alright
But I've heard that, I've heard that so many times and I know that

It's not Christmas if the snow don't fall
And I'm still standing here three feet small
Lose our troubles because after all
It's Christmas time

And I've been waiting for you to come
And it's hard cause I feel so alone
And I just want you to come home

Waiting for you to come
And it's hard cause I feel so alone
And I just want you to come home

It's not Christmas if the snow don't fall
And I'm still standing here three feet small
Lose our troubles because after all
It's Christmas time

It's not Christmas if the snow don't fall
You're not here to keep me safe and warm
Lose our troubles because after all
It's Christmas time

It's Christmas time again
And all your friends, all your friends
Are smiling
It's Christmas time

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/mistletoe_lyrics_colbie_caillat.html
All about Colbie Caillat: http://www.musictory.com/music/Colbie+Caillat

Social Media the Ugly Side.

2011-12-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

Facebook is a fantastic tool for connecting with long lost friends and relatives, however it's also one of the most painful reminders of lost friendships. Good friends who have either deleted you or left you as a friend and have stopped connecting for some perceived hurt/offence. I have never deleted someone off of Facebook until today. As the CEO of a mid sized company I had accepted friend requests of employees, some of these employees had been fired by me and had kept me as a friend. I left them as friends. I wasn't angry with them, they'd been fired for cause and it had been dealt with. Some employees had left disgruntled for one reason or another and they had also kept me as a friend, I left them on too. We don't contact each other and we don't expect that we will, but if they enjoy creeping my page (and me sometimes theirs) then so be it.

I should state that my Facebook place is a place I'm comfortable with friends, family, current staff, ex-staff, ex-boyfriends and even enemies visiting. I make sure I'm always friendly, mature and sometimes funny - but never crass. There would never be drunk posts on my Facebook status because I know how that would look AND how embarrassed I'd be afterwards. Future contractors might visit my Facebook and I want them to be impressed with my status, my pictures and my comments from friends. It's a look I've cultivated with a purpose.

It doesn't stop me from having real feelings when it comes to people purposely ignoring me. I have a good friend, a best friend, who moved away over three years ago. We had travelled together with another friend on more than one occasion. I have always thought great things of her. The complication between us was her husband and my other bff's husband owned the company I ended up running. The one who moved away's husband asked to be bought out and they moved. The partner remaining became the sole owner and hired me into the position of CEO. The sole owner was angry at the other partner for leaving and said some things to me over the years about his ex-partner. Not too flattering. I've since learned that they remained friends to each other's faces over the years and I believe the owner may have said things I said about my friends husband as a way to shift blame from himself to me. It's complicated. Truth is I didn't like the husband of my friend (the ones who left) and I wasn't complimentary when the sole owner and I talked about him - it was a mutual feeling we both seemed to share.

My friend and I kept in brief contact mostly through Facebook, and once by phone. She had listed me as a reference and I gave her a glowing one. Then all communication stopped in late 2010. I for my part I didn't pursue it and ask why. My other bff (sole owner's wife) was still my friend and seemed to know nothing. My out of town friend visited this past summer and didn't ask to see me. When my other friend asked why she said it was because she'd seen me the last time she was in town - summer of 2010. My bff said she didn't ask about me at all. I find this highly doubtful seen as how my remaining bff's husband now had nothing to do with me due to the work situation ending very badly and I knew she knew it hadn't ended well. The sole owner had said to me that the ex-partner said I had gotten "too educated" in the sector and he could have predicted I'd leave. It was a shot aimed directly at me, and he used his ex-partners words to sting me. It was him letting me know where his real alliance lay too. So I knew she knew things weren't good.

It's been painful not knowing what happened and today in a decision that was slow in coming I decided to delete her from my friends. I realized it was petty not to tell her why and I sent the following message before deleting her. The fact I'm writing this post and have been so affected by Social Media would tell me I'm not alone. I am not a drama seeking Queen and if this is my experience how must teenagers find it!?

There has obviously been a breach of friendship somewhere down the line. Not sure what it is, but my guess is information from other sources because I haven't said anything to you that's created conflict.

(my other bff) told me you didn't need to see me this last trip because you'd seen me the last trip and she also told me you didn't ask about me. Which is good in a way - I wasn't the topic of conversation and bad because it sends another big message too. I'm not that important.

I have always thought highly of you and have never said anything that couldn't be said to you directly. That I know.

I'm pretty sure the work situation has caused the rift and without knowledge of what's been said I have nothing to say in reply. Nor is it my desire to enter into a he said, she said situation. I don't feel I need to defend myself.

I am removing you as a Facebook friend not out of spite but because I find it painful. I am ousted from more than your circle and it hurts. I've searched my motives a million times as well as my behaviours and the worst thing I can find is intense loyalty. Sometimes to the wrong people. Have I had malice in my heart? No. Have I created gossip and innuendo? No. I try hard to walk a narrow line and I think I'm often misunderstood. If this makes me have few friends I guess that's the price. My standards are pretty high and some people have found that difficult to live with. I don't think that's the case with you, however I can only guess that you've listened to others who may have less than ideal motives. But that's a guess.

I wish you and your family good things. I have great memories of times spent together and in choosing to let go now I'm hoping to keep them.

This seems a little melodramatic and maybe even high school. Not my intention. I was going to delete you without saying anything and I thought that would be worse.

Take care.

Gentleman in the Streets; Freak in the Sheets?

2011-12-02T09:04:00.000-08:00

In my earlier post reader Peregrine John wondered in a comment how a man who is into me couldn't be giving off a sexual vibe. I realized I'd been unclear. He is into me sexually, it's how he displays it that is not allowing me to get turned on. He asks to hold my hand. He kisses romantically, but not with passion. He has hinted that we should go to a park and "neck". He has told me he likes to stare at me. He has even told me he feels like a 15 year old without pimples around me. He's very earnest and sweet. My newly formed friend, wine girl, tells me he's probably a freak in bed. I'll leave it with this recent text exchange. Feel free to share your two cents.

Recent text exchange: (he starts by saying he has a surprise for me)

Him: Early xmas gift ;)

Me: Oooooh mystery

Him: Yeah baby. And just 4u :) & just between you and me when u see (&no, not s#xual. At least I don't think it is.) Nuff said.

Me: You think I'm too Lady like? :)

Him: I think you are a lady first & foremost. Yes. You r not an uptight prude. You are refreshingly honest and oh so feminine. but I think you also have the capacity for (how to put this...) adult interests in the right time & place with the right person. No questions that.

Him: I want to have the privilege of experiencing that side of ladyness (is that a word?) someday. :)

Me: Yes I get the drift

Warning - Drunk Post - Warning - Drunk Post - Warning -

2011-12-01T06:23:00.000-08:00

Drunk post. Just warnin' you.

So two nights in a row I've gotten drunk while working out of town. I feel like a rig pig. Except I'm not a dude. One of my colleagues is a really hot chick and we get along like we've known each other forever. She's going through a bad break-up with a dude who lives in Trinidad, not that this matters. But hey, dewd who visited Canada and got engaged and then messed around when he got back home, if you read this you're an asshole. Just sayin'. So we've been drinking some stupid shit (blush Zinfandel) and blabbing our heads off about men and basically acting all that once we get tipsy enough to be dumb. We get invited to sit at a table of men who've probably been debating for a long time if they'll invite us over. We are into our second bottle when they do - and we're like why the fuck not. Three guys and two hot chicks who've had a few too many - great combo. My friend is hotter. Like waaaay the fuck hot and I think I can either wallflower it up and be the ugly one or be the funny one. I go for the latter. I make a joke pretty early on and the guys want to high five me. It involves a beaver and a sausage as a punch line so you can see why they want to high five me right? I don't lose my essential femininity, but heck if I can use my brains to make them laugh, I'm going to. My friend (newly made) is impressed. She later tells me I'm right on her wavelength and wants us to be friends forever. Ahhhh wine and it's powers of friendship.

I haven't written all week because I'm already involved with another guy (sort of) and I'm trying to examine my feelings/intuition and stuff. This guy is I.N.T.O me. Like crazy big time into me. I think he's a really good guy. LIke legit. But I'm not getting the sexual vibe from him. Two dates in. I want him to club me on the head and drag me to the nearest bedroom and fuck the living daylights out of me and then I'll like him. I'm soooo messed. I hate that I'm messed. I'm so typical.

I'm not reading this crap back, because right now I'm sort of impressed I can write. I don't want to know that if I read it back I'm actually writing shit. Man, I swear when I'm drunk. Shit. So fuckin' ladylike. No wonder Mike wanted to take me to another bar because the one we were in was closing. I swear therefore I'm easy. Right? But truthfully I didn't swear with them. I save that for this drunk post. Wtf am I saying? It's 1:19 am and I have to work in the am - better get to sleep. I'm already embarrassed I posted this and I haven't hit publish.

Toe Story - The Date!

2011-11-27T16:30:00.000-08:00

It started with me breaking a toe. True story (get it instead of true story I said toe in the title! - I crack myself up. Oh wait....I cracked it didn't I....so clever!)

I'll tell the rest tomorrow.

In case you're confused this is the backside of my toes. (Yes I need a pedicure I've discovered)

Good women/Bad Men Roissy right again. Crap.

2011-11-24T18:03:00.000-08:00

I have recently met a woman who reminds me very much of a good friend of mine, and my good friend has very similar characteristics to me. We've all recently experienced trauma in relationships. When I look at all three men that we were involved with I also see similarities with the men. Without trying to sound arrogant, all three of us are good women. I'd say quality women even. Bright, attractive, and feminine. All three of us enjoy being supportive and giving in our relationships. All three of us are pretty choosy about who we choose. Except - we've all chosen men who are far from ideal. Sadly it once again confirms the Roissy meme that women are attracted to assholes. The thing is I knew that before I met this guy and believed I would avoid that. You know why? Because assholes don't look like assholes. (ewww I just got a picture in my head and I wasn't going there - cuz those things do look like they're supposed to).

All three of 'our' men had vulnerable aspects to their personalities. The type of guy women like us want because we think we'll be the one that makes this guy feel good about himself and loved for the real person he is, not the sexual being he presents as. Yea. Dumb even as I write it, but sadly true. We three women believe in ourselves enough to think we're an asset to a relationship. My two friends are 8 on the beauty scale and they still got dumped. Interestingly all three of us have those same three guys still texting us and hoping they can keep us in their back pocket. Just dangling enough carrot to keep us hopeful we'll get the whole thing. And no that is not a metaphor for a sexual organ - for a woman that means the whole shebang...wait...I mean white picket fence.

Frenchi text yesterday morning, hoping I'd have a nice day. I did text back 6 hours later, because somehow I feel that if I don't he's one up on me. I text that I'd had a good one, did he. He text back he didn't, something work related. I said I had a worse one, something bed bug related (true story). The casual exchange lasted for a couple minutes and then he said he was going to bed. It was 7pm. hahaha. I feel like this is his idea of maintaining power and control. Drop me a very quick, meaningless text, lulling me into some sense of false security that's he interested and then make sure he's the one that ends the exchange so I'm the one supposedly wanting more. I feel such a disconnect from him I wonder if I'm too cold hearted. Truthfully though it makes sense, I've been having my heart slowly broken for months now and although I'm sure I'm not healed, it's cracked enough not to feel. I'm sad, not about him, he wasn't the guy, and much better I found out now than move in together which was the plan, but sad nonetheless - sorta seems like a waste of my heart.

Mind you I have a date on Saturday. We've talked a couple of times and the conversations have gone very well. He's everything you could bring home to mother. He has youngish, but not too young children, same ages as my niece and nephew, he's a few years older than I am. He has a great job, he's handsome, intelligent, has a sense of humour and he's interested in me, plus he lives only 15 minutes away. He's looked over my Facebook pictures, leaving a couple of flattering comments here and there. I know he's attracted. The 3D test is the true test I suppose. He writes this:

Recall that in the “old days” when couples were made aware of each other and/or introduced it was usually through friends or family. So by the time a couple met they already knew a little about each other (family, work, interests, hobbies, IQ…). Consequently I know some things about you, but I don't know you. And I want to get to know you very much. No question.

I have to admit, I have some excitement about this prospect. I'm warring with myself about getting my hopes up, they always seem to be dashed in the end. But isn't part of the fun of romance imagining what it could be? I'm imagining. Date Saturday. Sunday I'll check back. Wish me luck.

Update: Just had to add this from an email I just got from my upcoming date (he'd read a status on my FB), kind of funny since I write a blog isn't it, but that's my secret for ever and ever. I highly doubt he wants to read my relationship failures, highs and lows. I wouldn't want to read his. Just sayin'.

"I read your post about the Glee episode. Damn I like it when someone expresses a good opinion. I especially like it when it's one I can agree with! You'd be a great cocktail party partner. If you wrote a blog I'd read it every day."

french(i) toast

2011-11-20T11:41:00.000-08:00

He was late, but that wasn't unexpected, so I was able to do things around the house. Like dishes. I've been so busy that things stack up here and there - I hate when that happens. But I digress...

I didn't invite him in, when he pulled up I had my boots and my coat on, there was no potential for him making his way to the four poster bed. I considered not shaving my legs, because than its deal off, no way anyone is going to see me unkempt. But I did. I wondered as I lathered up what I was doing. I guess I thought if the timing and chemistry were right perhaps we wouldn't be able to resist break-up sex - which is usually (or so I've heard) really hot. I did make sure I looked good. There's nothing like the confidence you get from being the most attractive you can be. It was breakfast so I didn't want to be too dressed up, but I did wear my over the knee flat boots, a black turtle neck, purple halfsie sweater over top and a black stretch-t material skirt which has a funky hemline. My hair was perfect for a nice change. I felt like this was the perfect way to say goodbye to a lover.

He bought me breakfast and we talked. I felt a disconnect from him. My heart wasn't pitter pattering. I didn't really feel much of anything. He was still pretty vague about what was going on in his life and said that he had "issues" he wanted to work on. He said he wouldn't hold me back from moving forward, but said he'd rather dangle a carrot and keep me waiting. I liked the line whether he meant it or not. It didn't work if he hoped that was the 'carrot' line. I feel its over.

He took the trailer, and don't go all OMG on me, but he's promised to build me a basement suite in return somewhere in the next nine months. I want to laugh even as I type this. I don't believe I'll see him again and I'm okay with that. I have closure and if he needed to play me to get the trailer, so what. My last boyfriend gave it to me for $250, so even if its worth more I haven't lost much and it was blocking me from parking my car in the garage. If he does do my basement suite at the cost he quoted me, I'm really well off. I did say that the worse case scenario is I've given him a trailer and would never see him again and he reacted like I'd shot him. He said he'd never do that, that if he couldn't do my basement he'd pay me for the trailer. Whatever. It's out of my yard, he's taken his crap and now I can move on.

He kissed me before he left, in my garage of all places. It was an attempt at a passionate kiss and I knew that if I gave him one sign of me returning it we'd be in my bed right now. I gently pulled away, put my head on his chest, hugged him and we both knew it was going no where from there. It felt like a movie. Sometimes I live out these little scenes, all I need is a music score playing and it would have been perfect.

This feels like the closure I'd been longing for. Peace out on frenchi.

In other news I have a date this Saturday!

Update: Text from frenchi 2 hours after I last saw him:
Frenchi: btw, i felt like doing u in the garage...

Me: I know

Meeting Frenchi for breakfast - in 9 hours exactly

2011-11-19T22:45:00.001-08:00

iI will report back dutifully afterwards.

duh duh duh

Men should be men and women should be women - how come it's so screwed!

2011-11-18T22:56:00.000-08:00

I'm tired and maybe, just maybe, I've had a few drinks. I may or may not have pretended like I was a hippy and scatted at the same time. (could be a trend you know - jazz hippy chick).

So here's my thoughts.

I think men are meant to be the head of a household. I think women are meant to follow their men. In order for this to happen men have to be men. They have to be allowed to men, they have to be taught to be men. Sure men are men in gender, but they have lost some of their ability to act like men are supposed to act. Men are the decision makers. They are the providers. They are the protectors. They can do this. Women are meant to nurture, care take, breed, feed, and serve their man. I don't care whether this happens in marriage or out of it.

I've read the Bible, I've even taught Bible classes. I'm not hear to preach about whether the book is God breathed or not, but I will tell you it's one wise piece of material. Feminists will tell you it was written by men to subject women to terrible treatment and keep us down and out. Nope. It was written because back then it was natural for men to be men and women to be women. Women love your husbands. Men love God. Period. Women were free to love their men because men were following God and would therefore lead their homes righteously. Women would be protected from sin because their husbands would lay the law down and women would follow the law. Today women in church out number men and they are the ones leading the way. Men have for a large part opted out. Men in the church (I've spent a lot of time in church and I've worked in the 'sector/field) are often pussy whipped and behave like feminine men - all touchy feely. I'm not against church or God, but if you're going to teach the Word - then look at how it was given - stop trying to manipulate it into being free of gender - it's not. Men and women were CREATED differently. I don't care who the CREATOR is, but we are different at the root of us people. Women are born to serve their master. Men are born to serve their MASTER. Women have replaced their men with God. We often ridicule men under the guise of sanctimonious righteousness. HE watches PORN! OMG. Well honey you weigh 250 pounds and won't give him a blow job because its not missionary Godly style. Get off your high horse.

I am ranting. I have a bee in my lil ole' bonnet. Some of this is connected to frenchi. I'm not angry with him, but something I realized about myself brought me to write this. I'll write about the connection later.

Sorry if I've offended any one's Christian sensibilities. I'm not even going to re-read - it's an unedited piece of rant.

Reaching

2011-11-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

I wrote the following to a friend, out of reach, and I realized it has some measure of poetry. I put it here, but it was for my friend who it was intended first. I want him to know that.

I try hard
but
good fruit is always just out of reach.
The plump, juicy fruit is the hardest to pick.

And I picked a rotten apple on the ground

because I was tired of reaching.

And I hoped he'd be sweeter.

Trailer park girl

2011-11-14T21:14:00.000-08:00

Frenchi emailed me. I should point out that I emailed him first. It's not what you think. My mom made me. His/my trailer sits in front of my single garage and is blocking me from putting my car in it. He owns the title but hasn't paid a cent or done any work on it. My mom said to tell him if he doesn't come get it by the end of the month I'm taking it to the dump. I didn't say that, but I did say this:

Me:

I want to know about the trailer. What do you want done with it? Did you want to buy it? I would love to get it off my property so I can park my car in the garage, it's going to snow soon! Yuck. I know you have it registered and I can't sell it because you do. Also what about the stuff in the garage? Table saw, lino, etc etc.

Him:

Hi! Well, I would love to see you face to face to explain, ghosts r back in my life n have to deal with, not good for you...!not nice peoples, before friday I will tell you when I can come to town, n I hope we can meet . U never told me how much for the trailer, but still could do laundry room fo you, if u want , if not, tell me how much! Miss u, but u will understand... Xxx

Did he call me before Friday? Nope. Have I heard from him? Nope. I sent this today:

Hi,

Can you send me a bill of sale to {insert address} and transfer title back? I really have to get that trailer out of the yard, I don't want to go another winter of not parking inside.

If you want me to send a bill of sale I can find one on the net and send it, let me know.

Thanks.

aoefe

I hate that there's something that keeps me connected. I really do. (I went on a date tonight, more on that later...)

Update: 24 hours after I sent the email. He wants to see me Sunday morning. Said I hadn't told him how much I want for the trailer. I'm too nice. I basically asked him what its worth and said I didn't want to gouge him, but didn't want to give it away. This is all email convo. This from a guy who talked/text me every day. I phoned him and left a voice mail asking why a phone conversation can't be had - in order to arrange details of a meeting time and place. No response. I'm not sure I could be more confused. Seriously.

Risk Taker

2011-11-14T17:08:00.000-08:00

I've been a little bluesy lately. I don't think the enormity of being my own boss, financier, and sole supporter had dawned on me when I got my fantastic idea for a business. I'm glad it didn't hit me in the early stages, because I don't think I would have done it if I'd known how scary this feels. I have been really busy which has been great, but I was wondering if this was a fluke and I'd lose my house next year. Today I spent a day with people from my sector and picked up three excellent contacts, I felt the air enter my lungs and then realized I'd been holding my breath...for a few weeks.

I'm proud of myself for taking the risk. I will look at my decision a year from now and analyze results before deciding if I want to continue on this path or go back into the workforce. I have a strong feeling I can make the year, how strong it ends remains to be seen.

I've heard from frenchi, but I'll save that for another post. (build up anticipation...)

Ashton Kutcher's Screw Up

2011-11-11T09:51:00.000-08:00

I'm sure most of you know that Kutcher recently tweeted something that turned out to be inappropriate. I'm not going to weigh into that so much as his response to it. At the end of the day I've decided this is a man who fakes confidence. His appearance of confidence it turned out was based on whether he was liked or not. His 8 million followers buoyed his belief that he must be the shit because they cared what he had to say. He was able to parlay that audience into a cash cow both in promoting high tech companies which he had stock in and in gaining the lead role on Two and a Half Men. He screwed up on a Tweet. Ooops. Shit happens. He didn't allow the 10 year old to get raped, he wasn't supporting rape, he was simply misinformed. Now don't take this as me condoning him, I'm not, but come on it's not the end of the world. He's acting like it is. Removing the tweet I get, it was misinformed and he corrected it. He's taking heat from his twitterverse - so? Has he not been flamed before? Perhaps from some women who didn't like the fact he may have cheated, but likely he was a hero to many men, so he probably didn't get hit that hard. He took this latest hail storm like he'd committed an indecent act, was caught with his pants down and now feels shame. I say why shame? He then came out with a badly written post indicating he'd have his team reading his texts from now on so he wouldn't make the same mistake. You might as well ask them to write them. Kutcher was known for being real, somewhat untamed, a little amusing and a whole lot charming. This new side of him reveals the true man. A chicken shit. (I know I'm using shit a lot) I think the lower ratings and this new 'scandal' have him reacting rather than responding. Damage control at its worst. I'm not the only one who thinks his reaction is out of proportion with the actual event. He should act like it's not that big a deal. Say oooops. And move on. Like a real man with confidence would. I can imagine the board room meetings at his network. I'd pay to be a fly on the wall. Let's see how the spin camps decide to play this one. My guess is the show isn't going to last another season and that blame can be partly laid at the feet of Kutcher's bad response to this situation.

Just sayin'.

Latest Tweet from @aplusk: I'm just trying to be a good person.

Mine to him: @aplusk Did you run that by your team? #beyourownman

P.S. - I was and remain a follower - takes more than a shitstorm (again with the shit word) to make me leave

How people find me

2011-11-10T20:22:00.000-08:00

Many people search my name, which is great, but sometimes a random google search deposits people here. For a few giggles I've posted some search terms that have been used:

Demi Moore Drunk (with all that's going on with Ashton these days, pays to get drunk)
Submissive by Nature (gotta agree there)
Courtney Stodden 40 year old (I know right?!)
How to Date a French Guy (ummm don't think I'm the one you wanna ask)
Rape Blame Jeggings Slutwalk (interesting throw in of the jeggings word!)
Ketosis Blond Canadian (again another interesting combo!)

Blondie

2011-11-09T19:56:00.000-08:00

I'm the blond I like to be once again.

I didn't get as much off the length as I thought I would, maybe only a couple of inches, but I like what my girl did.

My stylist is only 20 years old, it was refreshing to spend an afternoon with a young woman. We talked about Girl Game and the lack of ability women have to carry it off with guys we are into. In fact we basically agreed that girls don't have it. Sure men think we do, but we're only capable of being distant if we're just not that into you.

I'm watching a cool show on Canadian TV right now. The Dragon's Den. People who have business ideas and try to sell their ideas to millionaires. I admire peoples moxie. Someone's trying to sell a drinking game called caps. I've played caps and it was basically beer bottle with their caps turned upside down and flicking pennies to knock them off - drink if you didn't. I personally won't invest my millions. They didn't either. Oooh there's a man's underwear brand. Hunky models - if they came with it, I would be in. heh

I'm playing racquet ball with a friend of mine tomorrow, he's a better player, but oh boy I have fun chasing that little ball! Last time I played I winged him in the head, but by accident - I swear.

I'm back to walking in the mornings, it's too bad it's so close to snow flying, I hate the cold and it'll mean I have to wear a ton of layers to stay warm. Every winter I ask myself why I live in Canada, or at least this part of it. I dream of warmer weather - I could give up two seasons easily. San Francisco appeals to me because it's so temperate, not sure I could handle a hotter place. I'd give it a try though just to be sure. I think I'd move to Manhattan if I could because the city is so cool, but that is not going to happen unless I win a lottery and because I don't play, well that's not likely is it?

My dreams have been disturbing my sleep, no hot men (or hockey players), just policy and procedure dreams. Fun.

I'm yawning as type, my sign to get off the puter' before I start spitting out gibberish....okay more gibberish.

ta ta

Real versus fake (boobs)

2011-11-09T07:56:00.000-08:00

Real (not mine btw)

Artificial breasts look less slutty in low cut tops then women with real breasts. Artificial breasts are beautifully estheitic, they're even and firm and high and look really nice in clothes. Their perfection takes away some of the hotness in my opinion.

I used big breasted women in both shots, but the picture at the top of the page has natural breasts and the woman to the right has enhancement, I think the top picture looks more sexual than the picture at the right. Mind you I'm a woman, so there's a good chance I'm not a good judge. What are your thoughts dear readers?

I was going to put in one of my half naked shots, but thought it would look like I was seeking attention. Which I would NEVER do. Never. (psssst if you want a shot of my natural wonders go here)

A perfect little Peach- yum

2011-11-07T20:22:00.001-08:00

I'm an introverted blogger

2011-11-07T20:14:00.000-08:00

I'm known as an extrovert to those I know well, but an introvert to those I don't. I've just realized that I' introverted in the blogging community too. I don't mingle well with The Community. I don't visit because I'm shy and don't feel like I can comment because I'm scared to. It took me a while to make a comment at Roissy World truth be told and it didn't give me the confidence to go around looking for other places to comment either. I occasionally comment at Sofia's or Bhetti's and when Stormy and Rebecca had theirs I'd add a comment in once in awhile. I don't leave my 'home' here often. I ventured out a bit tonight based on some Twitter banter between Roosh and followers and was like WOW you guys visit each other! Same people, same links. I'm not often listed as a link and I've just realized it's because I don't visit. I'm not only an introvert in the real world but in the Internet world. Interesting. Going to have to ponder it.

No shave November

2011-11-06T19:17:00.001-08:00

So do women get to take a break from shaving? Or do men still believe we poop rainbows and have no body hair?

Trout Pout

2011-11-06T09:10:00.000-08:00

My mouth has settled to the state it will be for the next few months. I have to admit I like it.

Hair today, gone tomorrow (Wednesday)

2011-11-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

Seriously bad color!

I think I'm going to get my hair cut shorter than I've had it in awhile on Wednesday. I'm nervous. I like being able to wear pigtails and braids. My hair, is not long, but provides enough length to have variety. I want more volume though and I think a good cut, with some shorter layers, will do it. I've hated my hair color since the last time my girl did it, I think she allowed the brown low lights to mingle with my platinum highlights and it left me with dull blond hair. It makes my face look duller than I'd like. If my girl doesn't get it right this time, I will go back to my other stylist who is the bomb but very expensive. I'm trying to keep my expenses down, I mean I don't even have long nail right now!

I'm going to get layers and get my blond back and then I'm going to feel like a million dollars and get offer the fact that last night I didn't dream about a man, I dreamt about human resource form templates! Oh brother.

My hair has a natural wave, which in my dry province looks like this air dried. Horrible!

Dream a little dream with (of) me

2011-11-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

I had one of those 'real' dreams last night. Everything felt like it was really happening. During the dream I was excited about how I was going to blog about my new romance and how I could keep it under wraps while still hinting at it.

My new love was of all people, Wayne Gretsky. I have never been a particular fan of hockey and although he's Canadian, he's not a guy I've given a second thought to. But my subconscious sure must. In my dream I was going to refer to him as The Player in the blog. Which I thought was a real play on words because I write about players and he was a real hockey player...get it? I thought it was clever while dreaming.

Anyway we met at my house, which wasn't my house, but you know it was a dream so things are very elastic. I told him that I felt his wife was very beautiful. He said, "Yes she is but beauty is nothing without other things to back it up." I said, "you're beautiful" and he hugged me, but it was more than a friendly hug if you get my drift. He then signed his name on a slip of paper for me, an autograph which he knew would be worth money - a gift to me. Why this was very romantic in my dream is crazy to me in the light of day. As dreams do we jumped to my basement (which wasn't my basement) and we were lying on a mattress on the floor (really?!) and he was kissing me. He was a very good kisser. He began to point out flaws in my basement and I said they were the work of a previous boyfriend (frenchi never did work on my basement but he was supposed to) and Wayne said he wanted to find the guy and punch him (Um ok). We did not have sex and I know in my dream I didn't want to, I wanted to be different than all the other women who would have sex with him because of his status. The next 'scene' I was in a restaurant still carrying the slip of paper with his name on it and I realized I'd used it for scrap paper and had written things on it. I went to my dad (who is not living in real life) and asked him if the paper still had value and he declared it was more valuable now that is with mingled with real life (???). The dream ended shortly after this point, I remember wanting to hold on to the dream longer because it felt very real and it was a good dream.

So Wayne if you're reading this give me a call, we have amazing chemistry. Just sayin'.

Sex Drive

2011-11-04T19:57:00.000-07:00

Perhaps because I'm sexually frustrated I've been thinking about sex and specifically sex drive in men and women. Rumour has it that women want it less often then men, I was never really sure if that was the case because my drive is high and I've never wanted to say no when involved with a partner. If he wanted it, so did I. But... I think there's something truthful about the belief after all after watching Becoming Chaz. This documentary takes us on a journey of Chastity Bono becoming Chaz. Chaz starts taking the hormone testosterone, grows body hair, becomes more assertive/aggressive and gets very horny. His girlfriend of six years says there's a different energy in the house and isn't sure what to make of it, because she is after all a lesbian. Chaz himself says he can't believe how much he wants it all the time.

I remember watching a Chelsea Handler episode when Jenny McCarthy was a guest, she had been having hormone replacement therapy and said that her testosterone had been too high and she was in bed all day with a vibrator, she literally had to have sex her with herself all day. I mentioned this to a good girl friend of mine today and she wants some of that. Her and her husband long married are not on the same wavelength with sexual frequency - he of course wants it much more often. She's one sexy girl too so I imagine it must be frustrating not to be able to have it more often.

I can't imagine being a guy and thinking sexual thoughts every time someone does anything remotely sexual, like bending down. What controls it? Do men actually have to find a private place to reduce some of their pent up....um....energy? I can honestly say that I won't excuse myself to find a place to release mine. I am habitual in my own practice, but it doesn't involve cramped spaces or public washrooms. Just sayin'.

I don't think this conversation helped my frustration in any way, but I'd love it dear commenters if you'd weigh in with your own experiences.

Powerful

2011-11-03T12:50:00.001-07:00

Life can be hard sometimes

2011-11-02T21:26:00.000-07:00

Some days it feels harder than usual. Not work so much as life. I'm a little bluesy gotta admit. A lot has happened in this last year and a combination of job end, my sister's dire illness, my break-up with frenchi and a business start-up have left me feeling somewhat exhausted emotionally. Today I wondered for the first time what I was doing running my own business. I've taken a lot of work on, perhaps too much and because I'm intent on proving myself I'm working 14 hour + days. My sister called today wanting me to spend time with her and I had to turn her down, I hate having to do that. She was kind of teary too. It sucks today. I'm enough of a realist to know that with a good sleep this too shall pass.

Speaking of frenchi, he's fading into my past. I don't think of him much, maybe once or twice a day, but only in fleeting moments and I have no desire to contact him, in fact I hope I don't hear from his again. I'm ticked at myself more than anything. A chick that should know better was played. A friend pointed out it might have been important to him for me to fall in love with him because sex is better where love is involved. That thought hadn't occurred to me. It seems unnessesarily cruel to profess love and and desire to take care of you when it was never intended. I didn't say it first, I didn't pressure for it first, in fact I was the hesitant one. Perhaps this is why he wanted the victory of getting me to profess it. He's flawed emotionally and not for me. I desire an emotionally mature man and we didn't spend enough time together for me to assess it any sooner. Right now I'm too busy to jump back into the dating world, I'm not even leaving my house right now.

I sure find writing cathartic. I almost feel better writing it.

Crazy days of a busy start-up.

2011-11-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I went from fear of being able to pay my bills to fear of not fulfilling all the work I've taken on - what a roller coaster! I'm working late into the night to accomplish what I need to do. I'm glad I took the three days off because I don't think I'll be able to breath again until the 15th. My plan is to take a couple of weeks off over Christmas - I need to have something to look forward to. Some of the work I'm doing right now is work that won't need to be done with the same level of difficulty down the road. I'm creating my own process as well as new systems at the same time as I create my customers. Much of this work is transferrable to other customers down the road, in fact I'm finding that's happening already. The good news is I'm too busy to think about my lack of romantic engagements not to mention sex. Okay fine I think about it, but I'm too busy to be of much use to anyone.

Trash TV

2011-11-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

I'm working and enjoying the luxury of sitting in my living room with the TV on while I work. Just flipped to Jerry Springer. I've heard of him of course, but honestly this is disgusting. What low denominator does this kind crap appeal to? Two low class women, sisters, who are trying to fight each other because one girl's fiance slept with the other sister (a stripper). The fiance then comes out and claims he was getting bored after sleeping with the one sister for five years but then in the next breath tells his fiance that he loves her and wants to be with her. I'm actually making this sound much more civilized than the actual scene. If you're like me you haven't been exposed to this type of trash in real life or filled your life with it on TV. The audience is cheering Jerry Springer's name as a chant while the girls try to pummel each other. Of course they are wearing skimpy outfits, one red, one blue - it's likely all scripted. It's like real life wrestling with bouncers instead of referees. It's like a bad accident you can't look away from. The next show after this one deals with who's the daddy DNA testing. Yuck.

I don't and won't pretend to be elite, but I can tell you this is trash and no one can watch this without losing a brain cell or two. Sorry Sofia but the Kardashians are only a point or two above them. I also want to know why the Wives of Whatever Gated Community do the show when they are so obviously low class by their behavior. No woman of real class would do the show. Class isn't socio economic status either. My mom and dad came from working class parents and were by far the classiest people I've even known. My dad did well and as he increased his wealth he never lost sight of what real class is - character (integrity, ethical etc) and behavior. Class is not snobbery. Class is knowing your place and behaving as if you have self respect, class is treating others with dignity regardless of who they are. These TV programs showcase people who have no sense of these traits, and I'm sorry but the people who watch them to make fun of these people are no better.

Just sayin'.

Rambling

2011-10-31T23:15:00.000-07:00

I took three days off, my intention was two, but it turned into three and I'm okay with that. Not to say my mind didn't think about work, but I was deliberate in not sitting down at my computer for the purpose of work. Today I worked for over twelve hours, but it was good work. I don't have any looming deadlines so I was able to do some advance prep work for projects I can see in my future. My favourite kind of work - preparatory. I preach plan, so it's only fair that I listen to my own advice.

In other news Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce. Most profitable wedding ever. They are saying $18,000,000 or $10,000 an hour they made for the 72 days they stayed married. Isn't John Q public stupid for buying into this stuff? Not a fan, haven't been, won't be now. What is it about society that we find trash television so captivating? Jersey Shore, come on! Oh well it gives news media some 'meat' because you know there's nothing else to report. (sarcasm)

I'm quite tired and I can't think of anything exciting to write about. Missed all my hits from Ferdinand yesterday. Normally Sunday is my best 'hit' day of the week, but he's not doing the link thing right now so don't forget about me those of you who come to me through him. I promise I'll get my crap together and think of something exciting to write about. Sex? Not getting any, but perhaps I can come up with a primer (nothing sexual intended in that statement...). Not getting any sounds like something a man would say doesn't it? What's a ladylike way to say I'm without? Celibate? Re-virgining? haha. Nah.

I'm about to start rambling....must go before I type something I'll regret when I'm sober from rest.

ta ta

Dear Aoefe - Halloween Edition

2011-10-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Ghost of Aoefe,

My boyfriend keeps leaving the house at odd hours and he's always texting work, even on the weekends what do you think is going on?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

I'm a ghost so I was able to fly to your home and see what the dude was up to and let me tell you, you are going to be shocked! He's been working a split shift and taking on everyone's crisis response to save money for the million dollar wedding you want. So next time you decide he's the bad guy think twice.

ghost aoefe

Dear Aoefe

2011-10-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Aoefe,

My husband never wants to have sex with me. What am I doing wrong?
Desperate for Action

Dear Desperate,

Without knowing much about your backstory (i.e. is this a new or an ongoing problem ) I can only say this, make sure you're the sexiest you can be for him. Be at or near your ideal weight. Many women gain significant weight after marriage and expect their man to want them as much as he did when you were dating. They won't. Men are visual creatures and like to be looking at and 'doing' someone appetizing. To be appetizing you must curb your appetite. xox
Aoefe

Asking my boss for a day off. ...wait that's me!

2011-10-28T10:35:00.000-07:00

Road trip; laid back and chill

I'm taking the day off, I may even take tomorrow off. I have a new appreciation for my downtime. When you're the only one who's responsible for it all there's a great deal of mental energy expended. This week I've questioned my desire to take on that much responsibility. I now see why it was nice to have someone else worry about liability and making payroll. I am no where close to throwing in the towel and this week has a been a good week in terms of what I got accomplished and how pleased my stakeholders appear to be. I saved a company time and money yesterday with my recommendations and I could tell they were pleased. They added to my contract which was also a bonus.

I had a talk with my old boss yesterday. I've made the attempts to extend the olive branch and he's taken it. I am not comfortable living with unresolved issues. I didn't compromise anything by extending it, I didn't apologize or grovel, I acted with good intentions and with information which would inform and help his business. My motives were rock solid and for whatever reason he's behaved well. His wife as I've said before is my best friend, so there's good reason to get rid of that tension for her sake. He actually asked me about my work yesterday, a first. I told him honestly that I've taken off almost more than I can chew, but that working till the wee hours has taken me through it. I told him honestly that I have to take what's been given to me because I don't know if its a fluke that I'm so busy. I also said honestly that if I worked at this pace I could survive off working six months a year. (it wouldn't be fantastic money, I'd be able to pay bills and eat, but I didn't tell him that part). He seemed genuinely interested. This is big and I'm grateful.

I am at the place of running short of funds, but have receivables in my future. I will know for next time to get some monies advanced up front. In retrospect that's just good practice. Live and learn. The contracts I'm working with I trust, but there's no gaurantee that's going to be everyone. In fact I've been warned by someone in my sector that a potential client is not good for paying and I should get ALL monies up front. That's a conversation that should be had today. This warning said I wouldn't get the funds if I asked for them upfront. I'd really like the contract (for monies sake) but don't want to do the work and then get ripped off. It's my toughest challenge to date. I should stop writing in this blog and get that done. Hey then it's not a day off! I'm learning that I don't think days off happen when you own your own business. I'm still happy. We'll check back in another time to see if that holds.

ta ta

Friends to come home to

2011-10-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

I am mentally fatigued. Spent four hours driving to meet with one of my contractors. I've been burning the candle on both ends, working every day, long hours. I took a lot on for my first kick at the business can. But you know, it could be feast or famine and I better shore up my pantry just incase. You know what makes me happy though? Coming home and reading my stat counter and seeing familiar IP addresses. Now of course I don't have them memorized, but I can see what City you're in and it gives me comfort to know my friends are around. Thanks.

Group Sex

2011-10-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

Group sex let's discuss the benefits and the challenges shall we?

Actually...Mandy aka Stormy asked for some ideas on working together as a group. I wasn't able to get the clarification I sought from her when she asked:

My clarity seeking questions:

In what context is the group working i.e school, work, church
How long is the project? i.e. long term, mid term or short term
Can you choose your group or is it chosen for you?
How big is the group?

Why do I ask them?

The environment in which you are working will often create a culture before you've even started. Let's say you're doing volunteer work, uniting for a single cause and made the choice to belong to the project effort, most in the group would be aware of the vision and likely aligned which is necessary for any group to function effectively. If you're doing this for a school project and some classmates are clearly unmotivated to perform at a high level and yet the results are marked as a whole then this could present more challenges. If it's a paid assignment for work people may not be aware of the big picture or understand the full scope, some may even object to the objective which places more stress on the team.

Project length is important too. Cohesiveness and collaboration become more critical for long term projects with strong target and milestone dates. Most of us can put our personal feelings aside for a short-term project (1 week or less), but the longer it takes the more potential for roadblocks from team members.

If you have the ability to choose your team and have worked with them before you will have if not less impediment to success but known dynamics. If you've been chosen by someone else who knows each others strengths and challenges that also reduces potential conflict. The most difficult situation tends to be groups where people are thrown together randomly.

Group size is also a critical factor. I think working with more than 7 people at one time can be ineffectual. Three people can be too few. If your group is much larger than 7 people I suggest it get broken into sub-departments and assign two to three people to sit in on both meetings.

Number 1 goal when I work within or lead a group:

Alignment with the vision.

Questions to ask of yourself and other members of the team?

Is the team aware of what the target goal(s) are?
Does the team have the desire?
Does the team have the knowledge it requires to complete it?
Does the team have the ability?

Ego
Effective groups shed individual egos for the greater good of the goal. No one enjoys working with the STAR player if they act like they're the STAR player. Star players quite often exist within groups but the real stars don't act like they are. Star players realize it's more effective to have the group behave cohesively than it is to point out how screwed they all are and how they alone get it.

Dissent
Dissent is important in every group. Without dissent bad ideas get passed off as good ones because people in the group are afraid to sound different than the rest. I like a dissenter in groups I work with because they force a group to have a rationale behind their decisions. Sometimes a dissenter is bang on with their objections, and other times they just like to argue, it doesn't really matter either way, dissent is a positive trait. When you can look at it that way it can help you appreciate that guy for what he's forcing the group to do.

Project Management
Every project needs a plan. The group needs to identify the plan as soon into the process as possible. The plan can even be developing a plan - step 1. Someone in the group needs to be responsible for keeping the plan up to date and clearly written. Determine who that is quickly, usually the one who volunteers first is the best choice because many don't like being responsible for the details or take responsibility for communication. If no one volunteers then someone in the group will likely naturally step us as a leader (if not clearly identified) and make an assignment (usually after asking a couple of questions).

The Leader
As much as collaborative engagement sounds nice there has to be someone identified as leading the charge. A group without a leader is directionless.

A Manager
A leader can be great at vision casting and keeping the group motivated and energized but may not always be the best manager. This person is a detail person, sees what it takes to get to the final end. Knows that you start at the end and work back up in order to set milestones. This person knows how to work with every member of the team and can keep on top of looming deadlines.

Communications
This should be a delegated role. In a small group the leader, manager and communications person can be the same person or someone assigned. Bottom line is someone needs to be communicating to all members of the team (ie. meeting dates, milestone dates)

The Group
It is the responsibility of every member of the group to work towards the final end goal and reduce stress for the other team members. This needs to be clearly stated in the beginning. There are rules of engagement. Respect is key. You can dissent, disagree, even argue respectfully. Agree at the start what the rules of engagement are.

I enjoy group work. I like the challenge. I think attitude is everything.

Worst and best group experience

At university taking a course on organizational behaviour
Random choice of groups (counting off in the room 1, 2, 3, 4)
Me and three men - all Mandarin speaking Chinese men who had recently immigrated to Canada
4 week project
Judged on final product
We had to weight the final mark between us based on performance
1 out of 4 didn't show up at the group meetings
1 out of 3 who showed up put significant effort in but relied heavily on the leader for skills
1 out of 3 was the leader
1 out of 3 wanted a larger percentage for a mark than was fair and was our biggest challenge in getting the project finished.

You probably would guess correctly that I was the leader. One of the students made a very real effort to be engaged, but even he knew he didn't have the capacity to write any of the materials which I ended up doing on my own. Mark distribution ended up appropriate but took much discussion with myself, good worker and the bad worker who didn't try. Two of us were able to argue effectively and essentially got what we wanted. We recognized the motivation of the student was to improve his grade point average and not to have actually learned anything. The professor said it was the worst random selection he'd ever seen in his career (i.e. 1 English speaking, 3 not) but I think it was brilliant. I learned conclusively I can work through any group situation.

Tell me your best and worst group experiences. If they happen to be sexual - all the better. *wink

(I am super busy on the work front, this is my first and only draft of this post because of time issues. Please ignore obvious grammar challenges. I don't mind being unprofessional in my own posts, but somehow when I talk about work I place more demands on perfection. Also a good thing.)

Breathe deep

2011-10-25T18:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever taken a risk and then wondered afterwards wtf? The results of the risk haven't shown up yet either good, bad or maybe ugly, but you're second guessing why you took it? Personally I can say I take very few risks and even the ones I do take are pretty calculated. I'm not an adventure for the sake of adventure type person. I like spontaneity, but it's about where to go for a drive or where to eat or even just calling a friend and saying, "let's do wine." But I don't leave the country, jump from planes or quit my job on a whim. Yet once in awhile you find you do something risky, like make yourself vulnerable to someone, open up a door where you'd normally choose a window and then fear they could break the entire wall down. It's these risks that are worth taking if you ask me. It's when you expose yourself for the sake of trust building and transparency that new life gets breathed in. I'm taking a deep breath.... and it feels good.

Sweet Embraceable You

2011-10-24T00:39:00.000-07:00

Listening to Sweet Embraceable You.

It's very late and I should be sleeping.

I lay awake and dream.

Ever do that?

I'm doing that now.

...Embrace me, my irreplaceable you, just to look at you, my heart goes tipsy on me...you and you alone, bring out the gypsy in me...

The Beacon of Big Lips

2011-10-22T17:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's NOT my imagination but the lip thingie has me getting more than my regular share of stares. I'd be freaked out (thinking I looked freaky) if it weren't for my blunt and practical sister telling me they looked really good. She tells me how it is. She hated them the last time.

Stopped by for a meal at a little place near my home to eat and a tall, very good looking man gave me the eye. I smiled back My best coy smile. I can do that one when I'm feeling pretty good about myself and I look pretty good today - outfit, hair...lips. I sat down to eat. He was paying and turned to look directly at my table and winked. It was a sexy wink - not a cheesy one. I looked down immediately. Honestly I was caught off gaurd but I smiled as I looked down so he knew I wasn't freaked. I really hoped he be bold enough to approach my table and ask to sit down. He didn't.

When I got up to leave I chose the garbage disposal right next to his table to put my paper and said, "good isn't it?". He said, "addictive", I said, "I know I've been hear three times this week." he said, "shame". I said, " well I figure without cheese and sour cream I'm good." I grinned when I said it, not in a defensive I'm not fat way. He had nothing. I left. Bummer.

Then I headed into Starbucks. Another good looking man gives me the look. I look back and once again smile coyly. He looks again. He leaves with a couple.

So I'm forced to work and not be whisked off my feet by a handsome stranger. Such is life.

Last night when I was dining with a friend I was the topic of conversation and stares from three fairly drunk men and one finally approached and said he thought I looked like someone he worked with. I said "really?". Then he named his work place and I said, "oh". And that was it.

I might have been too bold to talk to the man in the restaurant. If he had the balls to approach he would have after the wink. I gave him a helping hand, but all for naught. Ahhhh well. Work continues...

1st cheat date

2011-10-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

Decided to do my free eating day yesterday (fooled you with the title didn't I?. I'd eaten on plan for 6 days, so it wasn't early, it was more convenient because I was near the cupcake place and wouldn't have to drive back today. It's all about the cupcake you know. I bought 3. I had one and the icing off the other and gave the other one away. Not bad. Then I went out to dinner and had pita bread and hummus and a Schezwan noodle bowl with chicken. I chose rice vermicelli noodles so I didn't have inflame my tummy - I knew the cupcake would already do it. I couldn't finish either the pita or the noodle bowl. Had two diet cokes with lime. Then went home and worked. Oh and I had a soy latte earlier in the day. That turned out to be it for my cheat day. Not bad. I asked myself if I wanted anything else because I wouldn't be able to do it for another six days and I didn't. Was satisfied and full.

Today I fasted for 17 hours before I ate. I had chicken breast to break the fast. I'm heading out to work at Starbucks (customer not barrista) and will have a veggie and chicken bowl at a local burrito place. No burrito, no sour cream, no cheese a little bit of guacamole. Pretty much roasted veggies, chicken, black beans and jalapenos. Yum.

Saw my sister today and she's the only one who noticed my lips. Figures. She actually liked them and said they were better than last time. I think it's because I didn't bruise this time. I was relieved I passed the sister from the same mister test. Why do I care? Cuz I do. She's pretty much the only one I really want approval from. I highly value her opinion I suppose. We had a good afternoon together, her son played soccer and she still can't drive because of her brain recovery. She's doing so amazing, but being out really taxes her. So much stimulation. She was in near tears worried that this wouldn't pass. It will. It's early days. I'm so grateful she's still who she is. We are all relieved she's done so well, but really she's still dealing with some remaining tumour and the potential for radiation. Good news it wasn't cancerous and that was a HUGE relief.

Life is pretty good. I've got a ton of work and because of that must get off the internet! Love-up your friends and family this weekend. It'll feel good.

Drunk S-ex talk

2011-10-21T22:59:00.000-07:00

My ex-ltr just got off the phone with me. He's drunk and wanted me to come over and "fuck him". He has a gf but says "all I think about is fucking you". To be fair he also said "I want to fuck anything that looks good enough to fuck". He said he thinks I'd be good in porn. My guess is he'd just been watching porn and thought hey "I'll call my ex and see if she'll come to my house". He said he can't believe how horny he is all the time. He told me he'd just cheated on his girlfriend of two years and I guess this means he can now cross into my territory. He said his latest conquest was a bi-sexual girl who would be into a threesome and asked if I'd be up for it. I said no but I was amused gotta admit. I probably should have shut the conversation down earlier than I did, but I wanted to hear what was going on in his drunk mind. I can't say I'm flattered, because it's sex, not like he wants to get back with me and misses me in any other way. He did say once when we were reconnecting over my sisters illness that he missed my cooking. Um....again not flattered. But definitely amused.

Conspicuous

2011-10-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

Day 4. Still swollen. Little conspicuous.

Submissive versus weak

2011-10-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

People are confusing submissive for meek. That one really gets me. I actually think if you polled people who know me there would only be two (good friends) who would even guess that's how I'd describe myself in relation to a chosen partner. I'm known as a strong woman and come from a family of strong women. I'm polite but not stupid. I don't argue for the sake of arguing but if I feel I have a point or know that someone is off base because they don't have the facts then I'll speak up. Submissive means deference and respect. I desire to respect my partner. My longest relationship was big on sexual gratification but low on respect (for each other). After a lengthy period of time and some spiralling situations I opted out. I could no longer respect the person I was with (for good reason) and I saved us both years of pain for getting out. We've been in touch recently because of my sick sister and were able to talk about the past, it was lovely. We both agree that we are better off and that our mix wasn't good, other than sexually. That is not enough to hold a relationship together. If I had been a doormat I would have sucked up bad treatment and stayed out of obligation. When we parted it wasn't amicable but without lying I can tell you we had no dispute about what each other took from our mutual home. We were respectful of each other that way. When I look at my ex-partner I have no regrets. He still participates in the same behaviours as he did when we lived together and hasn't changed. His new partner have recently gone through a break-up but now are dating again although they have chosen to live apart. Same issues different woman. I'm glad I'm out of it. She hates me for some reason, but that's another story.

I side tracked or as I often say - I rabbit trailed. What I'm saying is a woman can be submissive but not stupid. A submissive woman will be submissive only to those who've earned it. A more dominant traited man than she is dominant. Many men are more submissive than I am because of my own strength - intelligence, business owner - and I've dated men who would love for me to dominate them, sexually and otherwise. In fact more acquaintance would brand me dominant female than submissive, simply because of my position in business. Yes, I've met men who bring out my submissive qualities quite easily. I love to serve and I love to be devoted - but only to the right man. My point is most women want that, but it's only certain men that can actually bring it out. Call it alpha, call it manly man, call it strength, doesn't matter, women for the most part don't want to call the shots.

Submissive Women are the Rule not the Exception

2011-10-20T12:58:00.000-07:00

Roissy's post today reminded me of a post I'd written back in 2009 at Girl Game. Here it for those of you who are interested. If you want to read comments that were attached to it - go here.

Reprint:

Those of you who’ve read the The Girls section of this blog will see that I’ve identified myself as a submissive woman, in fact, I say I’m not ashamed to say it. The reason I say I’m not ashamed is primarily because there is shame attached to the idea of being submissive to anyone in our present age. I also mention I’m girly – to me the two go hand in hand. Let me explain.

Submission is a loaded word for a woman to use. It has different meanings depending on the listener. Some view it as an entirely sexual term and connect it to BDSM. BDSM standing for Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism in the kink community. So, for some, to admit they’re submissive can connect the listener immediately to sexual persuasion/preference. For others the idea of being submissive means being a “doormat”. It implies a woman without a backbone, perhaps even a less-than-intelligent woman. Some link it to religious beliefs and recall this passage, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord” Ephesians 5:22.

I believe the desire for a woman to be submissive to her man is innate, plus I believe women are wired to be submissive to proper authority in general. Submissive, as I see it, is described as agreement, respect, duty, or deference. I don’t personally view it as meek, passive or tameness. I believe submissiveness is a feminine trait and I believe women have lost touch with this inborn need.

Society today encourages Grrrl Power which manifests in women by encouraging ambition, assertiveness, and individualism. Not necessarily bad traits on their own, but when used to beat down a woman who wants to serve others or her man, they are very detrimental. Feminism has hurt women by declaring we’re equal to men and can have everything they have, in fact, they claim we can have everything without men, children included. I’m not saying we’re not equal in some respects because after all we’re human beings and deserve fair and equitable treatment. Whether one believes by Higher Power or or by evolutionary design we don’t seem to accept the fact that men and women are inherently different? Why fight to be seen the same?

In my opinion women have lost the art of loveliness, class and girly-girl femininity. We’ve lost sight of our need to submit to our men and we’re losing out. (This needs to be said :I don’t believe a women should submit to simply anyone- a woman submits to someone who has earned her trust – period. There are some pretty stupid women calling themselves submissives these days for purely sexual reasons and men are convincing them to do anything for them by using their submissiveness claims. Both sides of that coin are incredibly dumb. Just sayin…)

I need to add that I’ve been challenged about my own submissiveness based on the fact I run a company. I have no difficulty reconciling the two. I have a need to serve. Whether it’s the company or my man I will ensure the best outcome for both – by serving. I am The Boss but I accomplish while retaining my inherent feminine qualities because I believe I am a woman first. I’m not trying to be a man.

I expect I’ll make more women angry with this post than men. I simply challenge those of you who feel an emotional rise to ask yourself if your defensiveness is because I might be speaking uncomfortable truth. I also understand there are some outliers who are legitimately dominant just like there are submissive men in our mix. This post wasn’t to condemn you, rather it was to encourage those of us with submissive, feminine natures to accept ourselves.

Feelin' groovy.

2011-10-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

I can tell you I feel 100% sexier this week. Combination of moving my body and getting some...ahem...enhancement. There's nothing sexier than feeling sexy. I carry myself differently and yes even got brave enough to post my full face on my banner. I feel delicious truth be told. I can't say I'm lonely because I'm very busy. In fact I just ended my work day at its 10:00 PM. But...I sure would like a great man to share this feeling with. I think he'd be delighted! Just sayin'. *wink

Business Banking

2011-10-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

I opened my business account today. May seem late in the game, but really I only started doing actual work in September. Now that I have a check to deposit it seemed wise to open an account. I won't bore you with the details, other than this one which is related to my vanity.

I went into the bank with sunglasses on. They aren't cheap ones and I like wearing them because I feel cool - they're kind of aviator shaped and I wear them with casual clothes. Today some black lulu lemon pants with a grey lulu short waisted jacket. Puma sneaks.

It was bright in the bank so I left my sunglasses on until I was seated in the business managers office. I took them off and she said, "Wow, your eyes are soooo pretty! I couldn't tell with the sunglasses on, but wow!" I was a little taken aback, said thank you and then opened up my business file. I was pleased of course, but it's not ordinarily something I hear from a complete stranger, especially one who's there to help me get my stuff organized financially.

Of course once I arrived home I had to take a picture of my eye just to see if what she said was true. I think it's my eyelashes quite honestly, they are very long and quite full so I think they frame my eyes quite nicely. Plus girlies who are reading, make sure to pay attention to your brows, they showcase your eyes better than you know. The mascara doesn't hurt either. *wink

Ooops I did it again...

2011-10-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are long term readers you'll know I got lip injections done last January. I really liked the look because they balanced out my face a bit more. I have large features - eyes, nose, lips and a pretty small head. My lips are adequate and quite full naturally - see picture below. But my nose is not the right size for my face and despite three consultations for surgery to correct it (I'm really picky about beauty) they won't. It turns out I have a fat nose, not a large bony one and it can't be corrected without major scarring and ummm...no thanks.

When I had my lips done last January I was satisfied with my facial balance. They were a little swollen the first two weeks, but settled down and no one really noticed. I posted pictures here. I took the pictures in the collage today to give you an idea of the size and swolleness of them right after a procedure. I black and whited the close ups because they had pin prick marks and looked icky. They hurt a bit, but the procedure was relatively painless because they use cream to numb the area.

No injections

First day of injection - Oct 2011- they are swollen but look better in perspective with my whole face.

I know I may take heat for messing with my face because doing things like this gets a bad rap. I really don't care that much. If I waited for others to give me the go ahead or waited for approval I wouldn't have started my own company either. Speaking of my company it's important for my business that I'm attractive and keep myself that way. I'm not saying my lips make that big of a difference, but they honestly make me feel prettier and more aesthetically pleasing as far as balance goes. Confidence is never a bad thing. I'm not the type that hates myself and needs to 'fix' it, I'm not the type who is superficial either. Making corrections gets people who do it get crapped on, but I'm not going to hide what I do and pretend that it doesn't cost a bit to keep me in the 'style' I've become accustomed to or pretend you can't buy better looks. I've always said I'm high maintenance, but at least I keep myself. :)

From this angle a little too large, but swollen and will go down. Lips are dry from skin treatments - low dose Accutane.

Shaming myself into better eating

2011-10-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

Messed up a little this afternoon. I was hungry! I ate popcorn. It's not a terribly calorie dense choice, but high in carbs and not one I should be eating. I had just eaten a bb-q hamburger patty which I placed between two thick lettuce wedges and had roasted vegetables as a side and I still wanted more. I'm wondering if it was a mental need, not a physical one? Mind you I had worked out before I ate and it was pretty good workout (despite only being 40 min long) and my body may have wanted carbs as an energy replacer. Still not pleased with the choice. I should have had a salad instead, it's a better carb option. All in all I've cut out sugar and flour and coffee. I have a killer headache to prove it. Coffee in and of itself isn't terrible, it's just that I like a latte made with soy (dairy allergy) and soy isn't recommended. Besides which 'they' say you shouldn't drink your calories.

Food today: 4 eggs with 2 tbsp of salsa
   1 - 4 oz burger plain
   1 - thick lettuce bun
   1.5 cups of roasted veggies - asparagus, carrots, broccoli, onion, cherry tomatos
   4 cups of popcorn with real butter melted over top (I know!) and sea salt

Exercise: 3 sets of chest presses with 15 pound dumbbells
   3 set of lateral raises with 7.5 pound dumbbells
   2 sets of shoulder shrugs with 7.5 pound dumbbells
   3 sets of pull downs with 20 pound bar
   .5 mile on the Summit Machine(stairs but harder) I did it in 8 minutes, just under 700 feet.

I won't bore you with the details of my daily living from here on out, I'll confess it to you when I've screwed up more to shame myself and hopefully in order to reduce my need to cheat. I like being a 'good girl'. (heh)

And on the 7th day She ate

2011-10-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

I've gained a few pounds in the last month. Sedentary lifestyle has crept back in due to long hours of work at my computer and my eating has been crappy likely due to the stress of the break-up, I'm the consummate stress eater. Today is the day I change it all around. I've been paying attention to Tim Ferriss lately and I like his theory of minimal efforts for maximum benefits.

I'm going to look for kettle bells and start exercising with them 1x per week. Five minutes with maximum weight - around 75 reps. I will walk every day mostly because I feel much better mentally when I move my body. I hate running but may do some interval jog/walks. If my mood strikes me. Last year I was working out 90 minutes, five days a week and although my body tightened up, it really should have been killer due to time in and it wasn't.

80% of weight loss and mental health is what we put in our mouths. I did several months of Primal Eating last year and felt amazing. I got off track in one trip to Las Vegas and have likely gained a dress size in the year which followed - sucky. This time I'm going to do something similar, but I'm giving myself a one day break - Saturdays - each week. The idea of constant deprivation of my sweet tooth left me eating every dessert at Treasure Island's buffet after six months of deprivation and the slide began.

So for six days:

No white stuff - flour, sugar, rice
No fruit
No dairy

On the seventh day:

Cupcakes - I love me a yummy cupcake
Goodies - liquorice Goodies - devine
and other yummies...

Another tip Tim gives is 30 grams of protein within 30 minutes of waking up. Eggs for breakie? No prob.

I feel better just making the decision. Mental 10 pds lost!

Dream a little dream with me...

2011-10-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

I'm in bed, my kitten (okay fine... full grown, 7 year old cat) stretched out beside me, a soy latte in hand. I have my MacBook Pro open and a million websites spread across the top of my Safari tool bar. I am in my element. My brain is firing today and I'm getting things done. I've hired my first sub-contractor (my sister) because seven sure contracts and two pending in the first 45 days of my launch have left me short of a valuable commodity - time. My reason for starting my own company was in part due to a terrible work life balance which although offered some financial reward did not give me much time to enjoy it. My goal is not to have oodles of money and little time, it's to have oodles of time and live like I have oodles of money (without going in debt).

When I set my company up I was deliberate in ensuring it didn't look like I was the sole employee. My website is riddled with we, we, we. I act as if there is a whole team, because that's my vision. I want to be an owner who subcontracts work to those I feel can do a fantastic job. I want to orchestrate how it happens, but have plenty of time to do my own thing too. I don't want to bury myself in a job.

Today I wrote down my dreams and goals. I find it helpful because it'll focus me on the how to get theres. This start-up was a fairly low investment, but living off savings has been costly. I need to recoup and more before I get a head of myself. If I carried on at this rate I'd be able to reach my savings goal in ten to twelve months. My smallest goals are to go to Mexico in February with a good friend and to take the summer off next year. If I can do this while saving money then I'm off to a very good start. The following year will look very different, I intend to do hard pushes for maybe four months and follow-that up by two months off, essentially working for eight months of the year. The year after that would flip it, work hard two months and four months off.

Year 1 - 10 months work - 2 months off.
Year 2 - 8 months work - 4 months off
Year 3 - 4 months work - 8 months off

So now that I have the goal, I need to ensure I determine specific, measurable, actionable, time-bound details. This is essentially what I do for other companies. My goal is to have them reach their goals, if I can't do if for myself then I'm missing something. I can do it. And I will. Life is very good.

I have a dream

2011-10-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

Just bought the Four Workweek by Tim Farris. I need a muse. I need to create something amazing which will essentially sell itself and allow me that New Rich lifestyle! I don't need to have a million in the bank, I need to live like I have a million in the bank! Frequent travel, fantastic adventures (like rafting down the Grand Canyon for three weeks), learn how to ski, have enough time to take up piano again and discovery in general. This is the future I desire.

What's stopping me is a great idea. I know it's connected to the internet. I know it's a product. It's got to be easy to manufacture and it's easy to ship...

Half-naked Thursday t-shirts!

My favourite song of the moment!

2011-10-14T21:44:00.001-07:00

Courtney Stodden is a 17 year old 40 something.

2011-10-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

Not sure if you've heard of Courtney Stodden. She's 17 now, but married an actor when she was 16 in June of this year. This actor had turned to teaching acting because his career hadn't taken off, despite having acted in Green Mile with Tom Hanks. They met through his acting workshops. He's 51.

She's now got over 40,000 twitter followers. https://twitter.com/#!/CourtneyStodden

She of course is going to be launching, wait for it, a singing career! No really! She's madly in love with the Dougster isn't she? Absolutely, she's not looking for anything else. Publicity? Never! I dare you to watch the two videos I've attached and tell me that she isn't a 40 year old has been. She's not but honestly its tragic in my eyes. She's gaining a lot of traction in the press, but I'm not sure she knows the why - my guess is she's delusional about the attention.

The first is an interview with her husband and the second is I'm sure to be a hit on...the comedy network.

Her texts are prolific though. . i.e. Wildly wiggling & jauntily jiggling myself to jolting jams as I friskily flaunt a flirty outfit completed w/sexy white 7in. go-go boots! ;-)

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving HNT

2011-10-13T08:58:00.000-07:00

It's a dog's life

2011-10-12T23:20:00.000-07:00

I promised in yesterday's post to talk about my analogy regarding my desire to be a puppy to my man.
The saying dog is a man's best friend has meaning. Why do men like dogs? They are obedient to their Master, they adore their Master, they have a sense when something is wrong and they don't ask for much. A dog in return is loved by its Master and gets what it needs: food, shelter, exercise, affection.

Dogs are pack animals and need a leader. In most households I know where there is a man and a woman with a pet the man is the boss of the animal. The woman tends to put human emotions onto the animal and transfers her own needs to those of the pet and often treats it like a child. Men seem to get that dogs have a place in the order of the family. I have two dogs. One is alpha and one is not. If a dog at the local dog part approaches it, he rolls over on his back in the universal submissive posture. He knows his place and seems pretty content in it.

I've talked about my submissive nature and I know I need, and desire, a leader. I want to be the woman my partner can't wait to see when he gets home. The woman who can sense when he's had a hard day, who is excited to see him when he gets there, who makes sure his slippers are by his chair. Okay, that sounds a little old school, but you get the picture. I want to be the companion my mate is comfortable with. I want him to feel and see my devotion. In return I want to be treated with respect, affection and genuine love. I want him to make every effort to make decisions that are in both of our interest. No, that does not mean I don't weigh into discussions or that I want someone to do my thinking for me, it's just when there are decisions that we are in disagreement with there needs to be someone who makes the ultimate decision and I want to defer.

Going back to my submissive puppy, the other dogs pretty much leave him alone once they discover he's not a threat. I wonder if that's why guys who I am into leave me alone when they realize I'm not a fighter. My submissiveness gets taken for low effort needed. I don't want to be the 'puppy' that gets ignored, I feel I give a lot (out of pure pleasure) and would like it to be returned with time invested in me.

So, yea. That's why I want to be a puppy.

I want to be a puppy and other ramblings.

2011-10-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes understanding what makes me tick works against me. I wonder occasionally if finding Roissy World screwed my chances. I believe in what he writes, even though it's from a darker place than my own view and tends to attract men who hate women, I still believe he has a pretty good handle on how men and women operate. Knowing I want an alpha male as apposed to some dim understanding of what I'm looking for and yet realizing the likelihood is low due to the high demand for them hasn't really helped my outlook on some days. I know I could easily settle. I could and have chosen not to. I have to admit I'm content in most ways. I have my own house, I can travel when I want, and make my own decisions on what to spend my money on. Do I want to add another person in my life? Maybe the answer is no and that's why I only want the ones who can't commit or live a million miles away. I realize I'm rambling, I have a fever I suppose I can blame it on that. I better nail down what I want one of these days. It's not a checklist, it's more a lifestyle. I want someone to travel with me, enjoy my company even when we're not talking or I'm talking too much (i do that), enjoy his company, treat him like a King, be treated like a puppy (we should never be Queens), and have awesome hot sex.

I think I'll explore what I mean to be treated like a puppy in the next post. I really think there's something to man's affection for his dog and its companionship. Dogs are pack animals and need a leader and men are for the most part pretty good at figuring that out, as opposed to women who make dogs their children. I don't want to be a child. I want to know the boundaries and yet be treated like I'm valued and would be terribly missed if I left (just like men miss their dogs). I know that's a weird analogy and I don't think I'm an animal, but I do think there's something to the pack mentality that fits with my understanding of male and female roles. I'll expand in my next post.

Another one bites the dust

2011-10-11T08:08:00.001-07:00

Who you'd like to be

Who you most likely are

Went on a second date with Rambo. I'm calling him Rambo because on our first date he told me he was in special forces in the Israeli army in his younger years. He told me he'd seen things and knew things that no one could know. He also befriended me on Facebook during dinner and several of his FB pictures had Uzi machine guns (I have no idea if they were Uzi's).

He asked me out for a second date and I accepted. Between the 1st and 2nd date he phoned and told me his mother really wanted to meet me. I was flabbergasted. A - she lives in Florida and B - it was just after our first date. I may be different but I've dated a lot and there's only one guy my family met - Frenchi. And there were some guys I dated for several months. During the phone call he just happened to mention that his Mother thinks he was "just a clerk" in the military because he didn't want to freak her out. So...you'll tell a virtual stranger that you were special forces but tell your Mom you were a clerk? Riiiiight.

Against my better judgement I kept the second date. He was supposed to play at a club with a group of Blues musicians and I wanted to see if my level of attraction went up when I watched him perform. But lo and behold...the group wasn't playing that night so he took me to dinner and tried to ply me with drinks. I'd never had a Hurricane but he told me it's loaded with tons of alcohol and wanted me to have it. He bought me two. After dinner we headed to a popular nightclub area and entered a live Blues venue. He bought me a Long Island Ice Tea which he also told me had a ton of alcohol. I nursed it over a two hour stay. I know he wanted to get me drunk.

Weirdly during our date he told me he'd been "sexually assaulted" by a woman on a third date and he just found it gross. From what I could gather she got stinking drunk and then in the car grabbed him. He wouldn't be seeing 'that one' again. Oh brother.... He told me he likes to take it slow. I can bet you dollars to donuts he was telling me that because he picked up zero signals of physical interest from me and thought it was because I'm a lady. Wrong. Okay, fine, I can be a lady, but if I'm attracted to you, you'll know it.

But....if you're going to keep with the whole go slow meme then when you drive me home don't play comedic songs all centred around sex. He even commented that the songs might be too much for a second date. Well personally I found them quite funny, but really dude, get your story straight. You want to fuck my brains out or you wanna go slow - which is it? It's the former, but he was pretending to be a gentleman. I don't say this because I want a gentleman either. I'm just saying if you're going with a persona stick with it.

He's waiting for me to get back to him on a date for this Friday. I am not going, just need to say something decent and let him know we won't be seeing each other again.

Oh yea, I forgot that at dinner he was telling me women won't let men buy them dinner because (oh the horrors!) they think the man wants to have sex with them and they owe him. I said, "Well, that's both her problem and his. I however, enjoy a meal with no other knowledge that its to share a meal together." He then said, "Some women will go out for the date, just so they can get a free meal." I wondered if he was trying to peg me. Honestly if that's the way I need to get a free meal, I'd rather starve to death. ...mind you the restaurant was sorta nice... (I jest)

Happy Thanksgiving to my 2 Canadian Readers!

2011-10-10T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ok fine I have more. At least 3 more.

I have no idea why I'm not popular in Canada? Is that because we're seriously repressed? I doubt it because I have many readers from the UK from whence we one day come (does that sound Old English?, cuz if no I failed). Oh wait did I just call the UK repressed? Ooopsie. You're not, you just sound it. Wait! I'm digging a hole. You're lovely people...blimey.

But to the two Albertans and two Ontarians and the 1 Montrealean I say Happy Thanksgiving!

Where would I be without Steve Jobs?

2011-10-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't be the Queen of Self-portraints or HNT's

Ashton and Demi - the sad reality

2011-10-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

I find it sad that Roissy is going to be proved correct in the case of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. He said he'd dump her for hotter, younger chicks at some point and if the news is to be believed it's happened already. I decided to add both of them to my Twitter account today because they're pretty strong believers in the medium and see if I could read between the lines. According to some news sources Ashton and Demi are separated and have been for a little while. Ashton seems to be channeling some of Charlie Sheen's actions and I'm wondering if he thinks he has to truly 'own' the role.

I remember watching Ashton on Oprah and talking about his love for Demi and how they first met. My impression at the time was he really did love her. I think he was mature for his age and Demi's maturity and her values (family) matched his own. She was also damn hot. Demi was a hotter commodity at the time and Ashton was simply an actor from The 70's Show.

Seven years have passed and aging has impacted Demi Moore (as it does to every woman). She's gorgeous and sexy, but her youth has left the building. Ashton's star has risen above hers and he's now on a must see TV show, one with a huge amount of publicity and speculation attached.

(And for those of you whose only connection with life is my blog (joke joke) here's a brief summary. He was out at a club. He randomly went around and picked the hottest women to join him for a hot tub party. The hot top party had half naked women. There was rumours that he slept with one of them and she's being pursued by the press. I'm guessing her story will be shared to the highest bidder and won't be if it's Ashton Kutcher.)

Demi shares this Tweet soon after the incident: I see right through you.

And attaches this picture:

Courtesy of Demi Moore's Twitter Account

I have no clue why she's do it! I don't find it a flattering shot. If she's trying to send a message to Ashton, could there be a better way? She looks old and tired. I don't know if this very public approach is the way I'd go. Is that his shirt next to her?

I suppose they can patch things up. He can once again be back at home with his sweet wife. But I doubt it. Ashton is discovering the truth of men's aging - they get more attractive. And Demi is discovering hers - they don't.

Sucks.

Gotta love Spam!

2011-10-08T08:18:00.001-07:00

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Thank you readers.

2011-10-07T21:21:00.000-07:00

Thank you readers for making my life a little more beautiful.

I know I wouldn't have shared what I've shared on these pages if it weren't for you. I know what I've written has resonated with some who are facing love loss or relationship pain. It's a human condition, I'm not unique. I simply write in detail about my experience. Every last living painful detail.

You've given me the courage to do it. You've given me the courage to face my own shame, risking embarrassment to put what I feel and think on these pages. You've seen my struggle to come to terms with an odd (understatement) relationship end. Some feel I've become pathetic, others shake their heads (or bash them onto brick walls) in reaction to some of my choices. Others have softened their hearts towards me, reached out, comforted me and given me a reason to keep my chin up.

If you were to meet me in everyday life you wouldn't meet the aoefe you see here. I'm nowhere near as vulnerable. I laugh at myself and gloss over hurt easily, making other feels more comfortable. I'm the strong one. The easy going one. The silly yet classy one. But not the whingy one. Not the one who hurts and who shares it over and over and over again - ad nauseum.

I lost a dream of not having to look again for a partner. It hurts and it sucks and I'm sad and I'm angry and I'm pouring my pain on these pages. It's helping me which means you're helping me dear readers.

To all of you I thank you for reading. This chapter is soon ending, another one will be starting soon, I feel it.

Two minutes

2011-10-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

It's two minutes to the pre-arranged phone call. My gut says its not gunna happen. I have plans tonight to go out with friends, which will be awesome because I can totally vent.

In the meantime went shopping today and bought the cutest little jean dress and boots to celebrate my first month of success! AND In other good news had a great walk with my bff and things seem very normal - I was even able to talk about work. Life has lots of good in it.

(...oh and no he didn't call). As the French say, C'est la vie!

Update:

3:50 (50 minutes after call was supposed to occur)

Him: Hi, its hard to have a connection here, text me if u want after 7, I will call u when u want, sorry, but no svcs in my town..

8:16 PM

Me: Hey, you home?

Him: Will b in 45 min

Me: Let me know and i will call you. Want to use my land line.

Him: ok

So we are about 40 minutes away from his arrival home. My belief is he's texting only because he said he would and really doesn't want the asshole label. He waited as long as he could (50 min) in order not to be knighted with jerkhood status. He prides himself on being a man of his word.

My plan is to keep it to business at hand. Transfer back of my title on my trailer. It's worth some money, not buckets, but I'm not gifting it and I have a buyer who is interested. Besides what some have deemed pathetic behaviour on my part, I am not. I want a finish I can live with and I am attempting to get one. It's 99% done. I will not cry, or get mad, I will not get even. It is what it is. I knew it was coming, but I hated the ending and I'm making another one. Tout finis!

Artsy Fartsy- what what

2011-10-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

Moving on from the fiasco of my dating life...

My company is doing amazing! I had a fantastic opportunity come my way tonight! I met with some very cool and connected people involved directly in the music industry and they want me to get them off the ground for a very cool project. The likemindedness and connection was pretty mind blowing. I am now at maximum capacity and my small little launch Sept 4th has exceeded my expectations in amazing ways. I will be turning down work or at the very least shelving it till the New Year. This latest project is not directly in the sector I'm working in, but very much what I'm about on a personal level - arts. Creative, freaky deaky people! I'll be the yin to their yang, because for all my creativity I'm a planner and a let's get er' done in time type. They need that desperately and I want to help them. Their work space is so frickin' awesome too!

Woot!! Boyfriends, Schmoyfriends!

HNT - what am I doing edition with my life edition...not black and white again

2011-10-06T09:18:00.001-07:00

I caved

2011-10-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

After nearly three weeks (short by three days) I broke down and text him .

Me: I wish I could say I'm not hurt. But I am.

Frenchi: I never meant to... :( (sent within five minutes)

Me: Why did you not talk to me.

Me: I'm guessing there is someone else?

Him: U told me u wouldn't.

Him: Nooooo!

Me: No I think we are having a major misunderstanding. Text is crappy.

Me: You didn't respond to my texts at all. No word. I waited 11 hours. I text again the next day. No word.

Him: U want me to call u after work, 6:30 tonight? (i text after midnight apparently - ooops)

Me: Yes, I would like that

Him: I will aoefe

Me: Ok. Thanks

Him: Yw....nite :)

Me: nite. :)

I regret ending my text with the smile. It's my typical response to make everyone think I'm ok. I'm not ok. I am still baffled at what's happened. I have many questions to ask him...

5 out of 10

2011-10-05T18:23:00.000-07:00

I don't think this new potential guy is going to work out. He is beta-ing all over the place to qualify himself to me. I have dated guys like this before, they are so impressed with me (usually how I look) that they fall all over themselves.

Phone convo tonight:

Him: My mother wants to meet you. (she lives in Florida)

Me: Your mother knows about me?

Him: Well mothers are perceptive and she can hear the smile in my voice. She says you sound like a nice lady.

Me: (silence)

Later on in the conversation:

Him: I didn't go on the job site today, too muddy.

Me: Don't you have work boots?

Him: They're new I didn't want to get them dirty. I'm like a male version of a princess.

Me: Your not really selling yourself to me.

Him: I still have to do that? (one date I remind you!!)

Me: Yes, because I'm not really looking for a male princess.

As far as Game goes he's not playing it, something I think he'd be very proud of. But...he's not super attractive so his Game has to be there or he's going to lose in the market he wants to be in, meaning women who are out of his league looks wise. Trust me I know that sounds arrogant. I'm not a 9 or 10. In fact I may only barely make it to 8 on a very good day, but could be considered a 7 on most. He's a five.

I'm going out with him again on Saturday, he's a blues singer and plays a mean jazz harp (he tells me) and will playing after our dinner date at a small venue. I am attracted to musicians, so this could turn out to be the key to winning my affection. We shall see.

This too shall pass...but it really won't.

2011-10-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

Life is change. That's a weird statement I realize, but I live by the belief that the only constant in life is change which makes me believe life is just change. My life is testimony to this fact, as I'm sure it is for most of you. Some may construct an environment of structure and regularity and even isolation which makes change much less evident, but change happens nonetheless. Other seek change and will create it - organizational change is a huge market for consultants for example.

When I examine the last 9 months I am amazed at how much change I've experienced. Relationships, job and health have had significant impacts. January is the baseline below, I've highlighted in red the changes in each area over months that followed. This exercise reminds me of how much change happens in a persons life - not over years, but sometimes over months and sometimes over days. I've had a great deal of change and it helps me realize my times of overwhelmedness are normal. When I try to rest on a favourite saying, "this too shall pass", I have to ask myself, "will it?"

January
Job Same one I've held for 6 years
Best Friend Same one for 17 years
Boyfriend Dating for 2 months
Family Great
Healthy Great health

June
Job Officially finished at my old workplace, starting my own business
Best friend Same one for 17 years
Boyfriend Dating for 6 months
Family Realize my youngest sister has anorexia
Healthy Very sick, in hospital for treatment twice - Giardiasis

August
Job Still working on set up for my business - no contracts - but not marketing either
Best friend Distant
Boyfriend Dating for 8 months
Family Good
Healthy Better Health

September
Job I officially launch my company on the 4th
Best friend Absent
Boyfriend Absent and disappeared
Family Older sister diagnosed with a life threatening brain tumour - successful operation
Health Not taking good care of myself - wrong food, little exercise

October
Job Busier than I can imagine, can not take on any more work - work/life balance effected
Best friend Absent
Boyfriend Start dating someone new
Family Better
Health Determined to get back on track

I'm feeling a little fat

2011-10-03T17:15:00.000-07:00

...But not this fat. Time to get back on the exercise wagon - or watch out, my half naked pics with my pussy will be just like this one.

pic curtesy of an @rooshv tweet.

Move over Sasha Grey

2011-10-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

I have a new porn crush. A friend sent me a link to a clip and I not only watched but researched the chickie who starred in it. I like my porn a little less mainstream and this girl likes her 'action' a little left of centre. In the movie I watched she stars in it with her real life partner (a guy in case you start imagining lesbian action). I researched her and they've recently had a baby, so their relationship has some legs. I'm too bible belt bred to imagine actually living the lifestyle they have - he's a porn director and she's a bondage star, but what struck me about both of them is their intelligence, they have willfully chosen their careers and haven't been forced by down on their luck circumstances to be doing it. I think smart people are sexy. She happens to be wholesomely sexy, so that adds to it. I'm sure some of you will disagree about her wholesomeness, I mean she does crawl on the floor with bound hands and feet with fancy rope work, but still she seems it to me. It's her sweet voice and face that translate the message not what she does I suppose. Funny I couldn't find one wholesome picture of her (go figure), but she seems sweet in the opening scenes. I probably shouldn't tell you she's naked and swinging from inside a cage...

She runs her own site or should I say a Feminist Porn Network. Which until I researched her I had no clue there was such a thing. I personally think it's a marketing ploy, and it probably works. I didn't spend more than a couple minutes on her site as it's catered to women who love women, and I'm cursed to be a woman who loves men. On a side note I have wondered what it would be like to love another woman, I think I do better with women, darn that sexual attraction thing-me-bob, just gets in the way.

I rarely watch porn, and I don't say that to make you think I'm any less weird, you already know I am. I say that because my imagination is better than anything someone could dream up and I don't need the visual stimulation. I don't watch porn to get off, I am interested in watching a scene, watching to see if there's truth or it's all just an act. This girl got me because she actually loves her partner and the sex did transcend the normal play acting I see. That said she's a porn star, he's a porn director, they knew what would get their audience. But...this was very real at the same time and it was rather cool.

Madison Young and her partner James Mogul (part 1) if you want to Google and see what I looked at. I'm not linking it here, very very unsafe for work. And please only go if you're into a little hardcore fetish, it's not romantic (and yet it is to me).

Here's youtube clip I found of her, it's her and her family on a hike. Wholesome like I said.

Sexual Innuendo

2011-10-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

I'm in the very new stages of what could be a new relationship. We've already set our next date and may have one in between depending on how busy I am with work. We've met once, talked on the phone twice and have had a few short text conversations. Talk has already had a hint of sexual innuendo. Not anything I'm doing - just to be clear. He's taking what I'm saying and applying a sexualness to it. It's kind of funny and not over the top. Or that's my opinion. You see I'm super flirty (anyone notice that?) and love to exchange wit with another. I enjoy the banter, but I wonder if its too soon. Jack suggested I slow down on revealing my true sexual self in order not to send the guy into some sort of panic and overwhelmedness. So how do I deflect the sexual hint? Do I ignore it and pretend I'm slow? Or do I ask him to refrain from making the comments suggesting he's harassing me. New dude himself said it's too soon for sexual innuendo after one of our exchanges and I pointed out he's the one making them. Perhaps telling him I was an eager beaver for accepting a Facebook request immediately after he sent it was the wrong thing to say? Yea...it probably was. I really have a hard time resisting the fun of a good and sexy flirt. I have to say though he gave flirt a really good run for its money and I was impressed. I may even wear the Girl Guide outfit he referenced to our next date. *wink