Dominance - aoefe style

An astute reader pointed out that I hadn't really spelled out what dominance means to me.  This post had some people upset with me and this one just added fuel to the fire.

I want to point out that I have as many issues with men as I do with women.  We're both at fault for the gender wars that are currently taking place in North America.  I won't get into detail in this post, but perhaps will flesh that out at a later date.  Suffice to say that men are frustrated with women and women with men.  Moving on.

I like dominance in a man and feel that I need it in order to be content in a relationship.  I recognize some of my tendencies could be viewed as weaknesses, but I accept them as who I am and in order to be me, I need someone to yin with my yang.  I am a submissive -  read  - pleasing woman.  I like to give and I get something by giving.  It's my pleasure to pleasure.  In order to give I need someone capable of receiving.  I find that dominant men have expectations around receiving and are easier to give to.

Dominance to me:

Decisive.  They know what they want for most part, and don't take decades to decide if faced with a choice.  This ranges from dinner plans to life goals.  They can be easy going and not really care about some things, but they don't waffle when it comes to having to make a decision, tough or otherwise.

Leader.  The see the direction they need to go and lead others in getting to the destination.  This doesn't mean they're bullies and drag you there, it means they can work with others in getting the job done.  A good leader will learn the strengths of his partner and will work with them to build them, they don't feel the need to tear the person down because they are confident enough in their own strengths.

Strength.  This doesn't necessarily mean physical (although that's nice), to me it mean strength of character.  Value system firmly planted, emotional life grounded.

Uninhibited.  This means not afraid of what others think.  If marching to a different drummer is what it takes, they will do it even if it means they're doing it alone.  I.e.  If everyone around them happens to be for one political party they won't be afraid to have a differing opinion.  They won't feel it necessary to get angry, they have a strong belief in what they believe and don't feel the need to hide it. (see opinionated)  

Opinionated.  This doesn't mean they rub their opinions in others faces, it means they have formed opinions from life's experiences.  They will have a moral compass based on these experiences.  It's part and parcel of uninhibited.  That said they won't be deliberatly offensive and can keep their opinions to themselves without compromising their core beliefs.

Intelligent.  This doesn't necessarily correspond to dominance, but for me it's important so I'm throwing it in there.  Intelligent people are willing to change their opinions if something reveals itself to be true - they don't apologize for changing their minds.

Socially adept.  Dominant people figure out the lay of the land and can 'manipulate' people for the greater good.

Sexually expressive.  To me a dominant partner includes how he expresses himself sexually.  I don't want someone who is repressed and is afraid to ask for what he wants in or out of the bedroom.  He doesn't have to take the lead all the time, in fact if he likes his woman to be aggressive he'll let her know it's a turn on.  Whether I'm being submissive in or out of the bedroom simply means doing something I know my partner is pleased by.

I hope that makes it a bit clearer.  I think many men have fallen into the women's natural role of people pleasing.  They bend over backwards for their woman and find out as time goes on that she has little respect for him.  They don't make their opinions known and have a tough time making a decision because they worry about what the 'little woman' will say when they tell her.  I'm not advocating for men to start behaving like boors and assholes, I'm saying women like a man who can make a decision and make a reasoned one.  Women like a man who knows what he wants and a man who'll make sure he gets it.  Men like this come in all shapes and sizes and come from all socio-economic backgrounds.

For a woman's part we need to start accepting what our gender is best at.  We need to stop denying our inherent femininity or at the very least stop being embarrassed by it.  We need to accept that men have brains that think differently than our own and admire them for it, not put them down.  We need to allow men to be men.